Where Are They Now? (Big 12 Basketball Edition, Part 1)

March 5, 2010 – 2:13 pm

Congratulations, dear readers! You’ve stumbled upon the first of a series of flashbacks to our childhood/early adulthood/later-adulthood-but-still-awhile-ago/I’m-too-young-to-know-who-these-people-are. How’s that to avoid being dated, huh? Yeah, I’ll stoop to those levels.

What you should expect to see from this series is a look back at some of the stars and role players from days gone by… mostly basketball and football, as it were, since they were the highest profile American collegiate athletes. I’ll be covering all the major conferences, and more than once (so this won’t be the only Big 12 Basketball look back, before you inundate me with “what about Smokey McCovery?,” or “where’s Jevon Crudup?” For a later day, dear readers, for a later day).

So let’s get this started, eh? Looking forward to it.

Jason Sutherland, G, Missouri

Ooooh, everybody hated Jason Sutherland. One of those ‘under-your-skin’ types. So what’s he up to these days? Well, turns out he switched sports, and started playing football… first as a QB for the Kansas Kaos:

Then (and currently) for the Mid-Missouri Outlaws. Wild.

Dedric Willoughby, G, Iowa St.

Willoughby transferred to Iowa St. from the University of New Orleans with Tim Floyd, and promptly lit up the league, finishing runner-up in both of the years he played. Currently, he manages a Captain D’s restaurant in Union City, Georgia, outside of Atlanta. Um… ouch?

Gabe Muoneke, F, Texas

Just announced his retirement from a long international career:

Which was easy enough to find out, as he keeps a blog over at Hoops Hype.

Rich King, C, Nebraska

Far and away the only thing Nebraska basketball had going for it during the football team’s heyday, he went on to be drafted in the first round by the OKC Thunder Emeritus…

…where injuries would derail his career. But he liked the Pacific Northwest so much he stayed there, and now runs the Seattle office of Marquis Jet, the only way to fly (take it from me).

David Wesley, G, Baylor

Would go on to a surprisingly long NBA career, playing for Boston, Charlotte/New Orleans, Houston and Cleveland in his thirteen years…

After retiring, he returned to his alma mater as a student manager. You gotta start somewhere!

Andre Emmett, G/F, Texas Tech

Is tearing it up in China for the Shandong Gold Lions. And when I say tearing it up, I’m not kidding, as he leads the league in scoring with 35 PPG.

Donnie Boyce, G, Colorado

After flaming out with his career thanks to the abuse of various substances, Donnie got his shit together, and is now an assistant coach with the Reno Bighorns of the NBA D-League:

Jason Skaer, G/F, Oklahoma St.

After an up-and-down-and-down career at Oklahoma St. (and later Rice), Skaer went into ministry, and he’s now the head Pastor at the Church at Alden Bridge in The Woodlands, TX.

Steve Henson, G, Kansas St.

Following a six-year NBA career, Henson followed his old coach, Lon Kruger, into coaching, and is now his assistant, at UNLV.

Keith Langford, G, Kansas

Currently plying his trade in Russia, for BC Khimki…

…one of Russia’s most powerful teams.

Bernard King, F, Texas A&M

No, not that Bernard King… this one. One of the greatest scorers the conference has ever seen. Regrettably, he played at A&M before they became respectable/good, and was essentially a one man team. But he’s made a career of it, currently playing in France with Le Havre after spending most of the year in Cyprus with APOEL Nicosia.

Ernie Abercrombie, F, Oklahoma

Currently a c0-owner of John Henrys Food Products in Houston, TX. And just look at some of these offerings:

So yeah, Ernie’s our runaway winner of the “where are they now?” competition, which I just invented, to reward such excellence in meat purveyance. And overall distinction when it comes to “what have you done with yourself since your playing days”. Yup, Ernie wins that one.

So there you go everyone. Don’t worry, there’s more where these came from, and I’ll be dishing them, little by little, over the coming months.

By edhoncho | Posted in Where Are They Now? | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (4)

What’s in a Face?

March 4, 2010 – 1:44 pm

Exertion brings out the worst in a face. Take sex, for example. Wonderfully fun, but it wreaks havoc on a visage. Is that pain? Joy? Release? A seizure? Should I be frightened? Should I call 9-1-1? Are you OK?

And how about a guitar solo? You’re into it, we get it, but stop freaking us out. Are you strumming that guitar, or having sex with it?

And then there’s the sports face. Part focus, part strain, part enthusiasm, part oh-shit reaction, and all ridiculous. It’s a shame for today’s athlete that the proliferation of camera-phones and event-coverage has led to such widespread distribution of said faces. Conversely, it’s become quite a boon for today’s internet-reader/looker (which of course explains the widespread distribution). It’s the world we live in. Who am I to blow against the winds of the-way-things-are? Take these wrestlers, for example:

One straining and focused, the other in the midst of the oh-shit reaction phase, if he’s conscious. He could be about to unleash a torrent of fury on the focused strainer, and might thus be merely pandering to a wrestling audience aching for hackneyed plotlines. Nonetheless, it certainly fits with our “ridiculous” qualifier. Now, take a look at these divers:

“Oh shit, here comes the water!” I mean, that’s what they have to be thinking, right? But they know what they’ve gotten themselves into. You don’t jump off a platform above a pool of water without some knowledge of what’s coming. That doesn’t make it any easier on the face, apparently. And gravity is a son-of-a-bitch, fighting against it would seem quite strenuous. And water can make fools of us all, like this:

Or this:

I suppose I should include another part of the sports face… utter fear. This is more appropriate when it comes to extreme sports… you know, man vs. nature/his own fears. But it can also afflict those losing their aforementioned battle with gravity:

So what happens when you lose that battle? Well, face-wise, see above. But that’s when you know what’s coming. If you don’t, there’s this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

And this:

At least if you know it’s coming, you can prepare your face for it. Or, you know, duck. Of course, even if you’ve had fractions of seconds warning, you still never really know how you’re face is gonna react:

Or:

Or even disappear altogether:

Nice. A face that leaves something to the imagination. It’s not often you see one of those.

And then there are those that are interesting in their incongruity… seemingly inappropriate for the circumstances… whether it be someone reacting oddly to a physical situation, like this:

Or someone stricken with poor acting skills, and not quite sure what to do with their face:

Or someone just reacting to a highly inappropriate and unsporting act, like this:

Or this:

(And yes, that’s film star Vinnie Jones… you may recognize him from such films as Snatch, or She’s the Man).

Or maybe, it’s the innuendo that makes it unfortunate, like this:

Or this:

Oh, Phil.

The propagation of cameras today has clearly uncovered acts of cowardice. Once the stuff of rumors and locker-room banter, it’s now there for the world to see and chastise. For example:

Or:

Or:

For shame, gents. For shame.

An interesting byproduct of the sports face is the in-between sports face. That is, the face that shows itself while play is stopped… whether it be pent up anger from an earlier event, like this:

Or this:

Or celebratory faces, like this one:

Or this one:

Or these:

Or just plain inexplicable faces, like this one:

Or this one:

I believe the correct webo-phrase is DoubleU-Tee-Eff, Ronaldo?

I mentioned focus earlier, and certainly sports require copious amounts of it. But some (most) demand actual visual focus on a ball, and the faces that go along with such a thing, like:

Or:

And some require inherent visual focus on what’s going on around you:

(And yes, these two were just traded for one another… oh, and Caron Butler’s face is almost as interesting as Josh Howard’s, if you’ll notice)

And then there’s the residual effect of having carried out your objective on the item on which you were focusing, usually with great force:

But there are a couple of athletes who happen to be a gold mine when it comes to sports faces. The first being the inimitable Carlos Tevez:

And the second being the incomparable Pao Gasol:

And then there’s this, which seemed to be created solely for the purpose of use in this column… from the cowardice to the hilarity to the sheer brilliance of it:

So, what’s in a face? Well, besides all the stuff I diligently laid out for you then backed up with some stunning and demonstrative photos, I have no idea.

By edhoncho | Posted in What's in a Face? | Tagged , , , , , , , | Comments (3)

Words of Fury, With Mad Adam

March 3, 2010 – 1:50 pm

Mad Adam, suplexes, sleeper-holds, and alcohol. This ought to be good.

Whatchya Gonna Do?  It’s Diary Time Brother!!!

Anybody else remember Hulk Hogan’s Rock ‘N Wrestling? You know, the circa 1985 animated TV series featuring legendary wrestling luminaries such as Hulk Hogan, Junk Yard Dog, Captain Lou Albano, Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka, Rowdy Roddy Piper, the Iron Sheik, Nikolai Volkoff, Mr. Fuji and, of course, Mean Gene Okerlund.

Just penning those names brings a grin to this angry visage of mine.  So, when the opportunity presented itself for me and a crew of like-minded miscreants to attend WWE Monday Night Raw… well, of course we were ready to go!

To protect the only slightly innocent, and in order to provide this crew with a collection of cool monikers, I will refer to the entourage as follows: the Iron Sheik, the Anvil, the Claw and G-Rex.  What’s that?  Oh, my name.  Well, I’m the Hulkster silly!

So, the stage is set.  You know what comes next.  It is running diary time.  So, without further ado, let’s get ready to rumble!

5:39 p.m. – I climb into the chariot of the Anvil. He is sporting a black jacket and a surly look.  The tough guy image is ruined, though, when he and I begin chatting like school girls about the upcoming re-make of the “Clash of the Titans.” The Iron Sheik is as dapper as ever, and is sporting a red Man-dana. Nice.

6:02 p.m. – We are joined by the Claw at a local pub.  We have just over an hour until the show starts.  Plenty of time to inflict (further) harm to our livers.

6:28 p.m.  — Still no sign of G-Rex.  I scan the menu.  The Iron Sheik has brought plastic bottles filled with cheap whiskey and vodka for smuggling into the event.  Food is therefore a good idea.

6:29 p.m. – I have almost settled on a diet-friendly item.  Thinking…..

6:30 p.m. –  Fuck that noise.  Grilled cheese with bacon and jalapenos with a side of sweet potato fries washed down with a fine Belgian beer.  Much better.

6:57 p.m. – G-Rex arrives.  He claims his tardy arrival was precipitated by time spent at rehab (for his shoulder silly). I tell G-Rex that I was likewise advised to go to rehab (anger management).  But you guessed it, I said no, no…..wait for it…..no.

7:16 p.m. – We arrive! Shortly after taking our seats there is a pyrotechnics explosion that makes me nearly soil myself.  The explosion is so large that it shakes the fillings in my teeth.  I seek solace with a long pour of cheap whiskey into an over-priced, but highly convenient, cup of soda-pop (hey, I’m reliving the 80’s here, might as well go old school on my beverage references).

7:45 p.m. – Who knew?  Before RAW goes live there is an under-card.  “WWE Superstars.”  Except these “super-stars” don’t appear on live television We are treated to Kofi Kingston beating down Chavo, and an older than sin William Regal, with skin that can only be described as coarse leather, out-suplexing Evan Bourne.

8:01 p.m. – RAW has begun.  More pyrotechnics.  My hearing is permanently impaired.

8:03 p.m. – An ages old wrestling tradition.  Smack-talking.  The Heart-Break Kid, Shawn Michaels (no spring chicken himself) drones on about how he is going to administer a beat-down to the Undertaker at WrestleMania in 28 days. Has there ever been a better named wrestler than the Undertaker?

8:04 p.m. – Just thought of one.  Mankind/Cactus Jack/Mick Foley.  What a mad-man.

8:08 p.m. – Blah, blah, blah.  Triple-H has joined the conversation.  G-Rex wonders what the three “H’s” stand for?  I wonder what will happen when my whiskey runs dry?  Will the Claw notice if I drain some of his?

8:10 p.m. – Couldn’t take it.  Looked up the meaning of Triple-H’s name.  Hunter Hearst Hemsley.  Dude, seriously?

8:16 p.m. – Don’t kid yourself.  Cheech & Chong are guest hosts tonight.  They are served Lucky Charms by a strange midget.  Chong begins to trip balls.  I am not making this up.

8:17 p.m. – First match of RAW and I am psyched.  Ted Dibiase, Jr., heir to the legacy of his father, the Million Dollar Man, is squaring off against Randy Orton.

8:32 p.m. –  Holy Sleeper-Hold Batman!  Cody Rhodes, the progeny of legendary Dusty Rhodes, has run into the ring and saved Dibiase with a timely, yet illegal, pin of Orton.  This results in a disqualification of Dibiase.  Seriously?  A DQ?  There are actual rules?   I am outraged.  I yell at Randy Orton that his brother is a crappy QB for the Broncos.  A “gentleman” in a Ty Law jersey nods in approval.  My high-brow humor is lost on others in my section.

8:39 p.m. – The second appearance of Cheech & Chong.  He is still tripping on the Lucky Charms supplied by the creepy midget.  Cheech cautions him against consuming any more of the magical cereal because he is diabetic.  Man, these guys are really old.  And, not nearly as funny as the “Up in Smoke” days.

8:40 p.m. – The “face” of the WWE, John Cena, appears.  Trust me, this guy is no Ultimate Warrior.  He is strangely articulate.  He seems to be extremely miffed, that’s right MIFFED!, that Batista is the new champ.

8:43 p.m. – Good ‘ole JR is in da hizzy!  I toast to him with the last of my whiskey.  I am eyeing the Iron Sheik’s vodka like a wild-eyed Ruskie.

8:48 p.m. – Some dude named Jack Swagger versus Santino Morello.  Morello is dressed in red tights and nothing else.  The Anvil notes that he is no different than those poor saps on Star Trek in the red shirts.  You know, the non-descript dudes who wore the red shirts and were almost immediately vaporized after beaming off the ship with Kirk.  Here, this should help jog your memory:

8:48.10 p.m. – Captain Kirk/Jack Swagger dispatches red shirt/Santino Morello in 10 seconds flat. Not predictable at all.

8:50 p.m. – Batista appears flanked by a security detail of beef-cakes.

8:55 p.m. –  There are 3 super-cool kids in front of us.  Not only do they know every story-line, but they are cheering with the reckless abandon that only comes with youth.  Turns out that two of these kids belong to a co-worker of mine who is sitting mere feet away, and I don’t realize it.  More on that later.

8:56 p.m. – Wait, is John Cena in Jorts?  The Hulkster does not approve.

8:59 p.m. – Cena and Batista are jawing at each other.  Does anyone ever fight at these things?

9:01 p.m. –  Oh no he didn’t!  Cena says that Batista is a 6 foot 6 inch, 300 pound…wait for it….pansy.  This is getting serious.

9:03 p.m. – Batista boasts that he and Cena are the biggest names in wrestling since the “Attitude Era.”  Ummmmm…..hello?  Koko B. Ware anyone?

9:07 p.m. – Batista accuses Cena of “kissing babies and hugging fat girls.”  G-Rex immediately adopts this quote as his new mantra in life.  We unanimously approve.

9:11 p.m. – One down-side to attending a live WWE event (beyond last call for beer at 9:15 which is positively criminal) is all the commercial breaks.  They are currently pimping “Marine 2.”  For those that did not get enough of Cena in “Marine“, he is back, and this time Dibiase is with him.  A must-miss to be sure.

9:15 p.m. – What?  A match?  That is crazy talk.  It is Zach Ryder versus the MVP.

9:16 p.m. –  We are debating what MVP stands for?  It was hard to understand the announcer after the pyrotechnics and canon blasts.  We settle on “Montel Voluminous Pooper.”

9:16.15 p.m. – A whole 15 seconds for this match.  Montel pooped voluminously on Mr. Ryder.

9:22 p.m. –  Yup.  I must be massively drunk. Because Cheech & Chong just announced a “Divas Pillow Fight” and I did not bat an eye-lash.

9:26 p.m. – The little dudes in front of us are mesmerized.  I distract one of them long enough to find out who is the favorite in this pillow match.  He tells me “Kelly Kelly” and then resumes staring at the bevy of scantily clad “athletes” assembled in the ring clutching fluffy pillows designed for pummelling.

9:27 p.m. – It is a problem if you bet on a Divas pillow-fighting match?  If it is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

9:29 p.m. – Kelly Kelly is not victorious, but after watching the Divas pillow fight, I feel like we are all winners tonight.

9:36 p.m. – Vince McMahon comes out to announce the retirement of Bret “The Hit Man” Hart.  He is strutting around like a troglodyte on acid.

9:48 p.m. – The Hit Man is on crutches.  He and McMahon get into a verbal spat and surprise, surprise, he decides not to retire, and instead will grapple with McMahon at WrestleMania.  With a cold certainty, I turn to the crew and declare….”road trip!”

9:51 p.m. – Why won’t Hit Man strike McMahon with one of his crutches?  I start a chant of “Crutch to the Crotch,” that is quickly joined by the youngsters in front of me.  Corrupting the youth, one little man at a time.

9:52 p.m. – G-Rex points out that not using a crutch as a weapon in the wrestling ring is like karaoke without a microphone.  G-Rex is wise.

9:56 p.m. – The main event! A tag team match between Degeneration X versus current belt-holders Big Show and the Miz.  Have you ever seen the Big Show?  The little dudes inform us that he is 7 foot 8 inches and 500 pounds.  That can’t be right, can it?

9:58 p.m. –  Google to the rescue.  Paul Wight, a/k/a the Big Show, is only 7 feet tall and 485 pounds.  OK, that is still insane.

9:59 p.m. – Did I mention the Big Show is with the Miz?  That’s right, the dude from “Real World Back to New York.” What’s next?  Snookie and J-Wow as a tag-team?  It’s too much.

10:04 p.m. – Without warning, a vision of the Undertaker appears on the Jumbo-Tron.  Shawn Michaels is mesmerized.  After this loss of focus, the Heart-Break Kid gets his ass pinned.

10:07 p.m. – Shawn Michaels storms off and leaves Triple-H behind who is then accosted by Sheamus.

10:30 p.m. – I am so confused.  John Cena appears to be kicking the asses of anyone in his path.  Why?  Because he can.  I am sure this is plot-driven, but the little dudes left for their respective bed-times so I have no reputable sources left to ask for guidance on this madness.

10:35 p.m. – I see another co-worker.  A cool guy that I routinely chat with at work. He waves and it does not register with me.  I am three sheets to the wind.  In a moment of panic I realize that I held a series of conversations with a co-worker’s sons while smelling like an Irish brewery.  I am SO happy that we gave up on the idea to all dress up like wrestling icons, complete with tear-away shirts.  Still, I make a mental note to apologize to all affected parties at a date yet to be named.

12:02 a.m. – A good idea to return to the pub?  No.  A good idea to have the Claw drive me home afterwards?  You bet.

All in all, it was a night of white-trash fun.  I wouldn’t say that this was “sports” at its finest.  Then again, with steroids, tawdry plot-lines and poor officiating, it did kind of feel like the real thing.

Until next time, the Hulkster says eat your vitamins and say your prayers….brother.

By edhoncho | Posted in Mad Adam | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (10)

Conference Realignment; Join or Die

March 2, 2010 – 1:46 pm

I was part of a gang once. Not the toughest gang around, but not the weakest either. We called ourselves “The Mongooses” cause that was a cool sounding name. I’m not proud of it, but if you were gonna survive in my hood, you needed strength in numbers. And what I mean by “gonna survive” is “be cool”, and to a youth, if you’re not cool, you might as well be dead (not entirely untrue in adulthood).

Our arch-nemesis, “Voltron”, combated their coolness-deficiencies by adding numbers. At first, we paid it no mind. But it became apparent when they grew to 8, then 10, then 12, that while our group of four was infinitely cooler, were we to get into a brawl (common practice for gangs), they might be able to beat us up based on sheer numbers. So we decided to expand. We poached a couple of tough guys from “The Bad Asses” and a couple of athletes from “The Celtics”, then snagged three guys on probation from “The Mysterious Punks” (only one of them made it), and readied ourselves for the big showdown with Voltron. When the day finally came, we whupped ‘em. Or, we were whupping them when our first grade teachers broke it up. I hold a grudge to this day.

Which leads me to the Big 10. They’ve decided to expand. When major college conferences expand, the effects are felt throughout the landscape. Sometimes entire conferences cease to exist (the Southwest Conference, for example, was picked clean by the newly formed Big 12 and SEC). So what does the Big 10’s expansion portend for the future?

Well first, we have to look at what the Big 10 has to offer. And it’s impressive. They have their own TV network. That’s money money money. In Detroit, Chicago, Milwaukee, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Indianapolis, Cleveland, Columbus, Cincinnati, Pittsburgh, and Philadelphia, they have some of the nation’s major media markets. Academically, the universities are top notch, the only conference where every school is a member of the elite Association of American Universities. And apparently, they’d like to keep it that way. These 60 schools account for 58% of the grant money given out each year, and 52% of the doctorates awarded. They also have a tie-in with the wealthiest post-season bowl game, the Rose Bowl. They have a lot to offer.

Still, with only 11 members, they don’t have a conference championship game, which is a lost opportunity for even more money, not to mention their teams always seem to be rusty come bowl season, as their regular season ends so much earlier than everyone else’s.

So, who makes the grade?

Well, given their druthers, they’d sign up the University of Texas and be done with it. Texas ticks all the boxes but one… geography. And Texas would jump at the opportunity. While they have a good thing going with the Big 12, they could have an even better one with the Big 10. Money, prestige, etc…

Alas, it can never happen. First, the Texas state legislature will never let them go anywhere without Texas A&M. This is all the rage in conference realignment, politicians getting involved to ensure the long-term prospects of their alma mater. And Texas A&M has lots of powerful alumni in the Texas legislature, including the governor, Rick Perry. No way they let Texas go without A&M. And for the Big 10 to add A&M, well, that would put them up to 13 teams and not make very much sense. So we can strike Texas.

If Texas is #1 on the list, Notre Dame is #1A. Geographically and athletically, they make incredible sense. The Notre Dame athletic program, especially football, is of world renown. And it’s in the heart of Big 10 country, within an easy drive of Michigan, Michigan St., Northwestern, Indiana and Purdue. The Big 10 would even overlook the fact that Notre Dame isn’t a member of the Association of American Universities, as it’s still a good school, it’s just not a research institution (a prerequisite for membership in the AAU).

But does Notre Dame want, or need, the Big 10? Doubtful. They’ve got their own television contract, and they don’t have any problem scheduling (a frequent problem for independents). Plus, Notre Dame is a French name for a Catholic school nicknamed the “Fighting Irish”. Who wants to deal with that mess.

Missouri makes a lot of sense, and they’re practically begging to be asked. Teams in the Big 12 that aren’t Texas feel they get the short shrift, and they do. The conference is run by Texas, and what they say goes. Missouri, a fine institution themselves (and a member of the Association of American Universities) would jump at Big 10 money, and while they’d lose a very natural rival in Kansas, they’d gain one in Illinois. And geographically, they’re a match.

Alas, the Big 10 doesn’t seem all that fond of Missouri. They’re not a huge market (St. Louis) when compared to other prospective schools, and athletically they’re not special enough to overcome that fact.

Nebraska makes sense geographically and athletically, not to mention academically (as a member of the Association of American Universities) but they’re in a very small market (Lincoln/Omaha), and if the Big 10’s wants to expand, they’re gonna want to grab a bigger market.

Pittsburgh fits the criteria athletically, geographically and academically. But the Big 10 already owns the Pittsburgh market. They don’t need to add Pitt, Pitt needs them. It would seem like addition for the sake of addition, which may be true, but they may as well add a market too.

And Syracuse is in the same boat. Athletically, geographically and academically, they meet all the requirements. But it seems superfluous. Syracuse isn’t that large a market (nor is the Buffalo-Syracuse-Rochester megamarket), and the Big 10 already has a strong enough presence there.

Which brings me to Rutgers. Athletically, they’re not quite up to par, but they’re a sleeping giant (and their football program has come on leaps and bounds over the last few years). But academically, and more importantly, geographically, they make a ton of sense. They’re the only major college in the New York City market. If they were to ever reach their potential athletically, that’s a huge market they’d have behind it… and one that no other league has tapped. And think of the recruiting for the rest of the Big 10.

But does the Big 10 want Rutgers? They’re much less prestigious than the current schools… but only athletically. And in 20 years, will anyone remember? Yes, it says here when the Big 10 makes its final selection, the invitation will go to Rutgers.

More interesting, though, is the domino effect. There are already rumors that the Pac 10, with a long symbiotic relationship with the Big 10, is considering following their brethren’s lead and adding two teams. They have a much better shot at Texas, as they could also add Texas A&M. This would signal the end of the Big 12 conference. Already confined by geography to smaller markets, losing Texas and A&M would condemn them to second rate status. Who would they add? TCU and Houston probably, in an attempt to regain the largest markets in the vicinity, Dallas and Houston, but don’t be fooled… those are carried by A&M and UT. And going from Texas and A&M to TCU and Houston is a precipitous drop. And what if Missouri is poached by the Big 10? My guess is the Big 12 will cease to exist, and a new league will form in its stead (there are just too many good teams for them to disperse to the MWC, or the WAC, and the SEC is already full).

But the Pac 10 could opt for Utah and Colorado, which would still make plenty of sense. This would allow the Big 12 to survive, but they’d still have to replace Colorado, which wouldn’t be easy. Rumor has it that Texas and Texas A&M don’t want another Texas team added to the mix while they’re still around, so that would eliminate TCU and Houston as possibilities. So then what? Colorado St.? Tulsa? Wichita St.? Memphis? Southern Illinois? BYU? Not a lot of great options. Arkansas makes the most sense geographically and athletically, but there’s no way they’re leaving the SEC and that fat, new contract they just signed with ESPN. It’s a pickle.

Eventually, I think we’ll see Big East style superconferences, 4 of them, with 16 teams apiece. I could see the Pac-10 looking like this:

  1. USC
  2. UCLA
  3. California
  4. Stanford
  5. Oregon
  6. Oregon St.
  7. Washington
  8. Washington St.
  9. Arizona
  10. Arizona St.
  11. Utah
  12. Colorado
  13. New Mexico
  14. Texas
  15. Texas A&M
  16. Texas Tech

While the SEC looks like this:

  1. Florida
  2. Arkansas
  3. Tennessee
  4. Vanderbilt
  5. Kentucky
  6. Auburn
  7. Alabama
  8. Mississippi
  9. Mississippi St.
  10. South Carolina
  11. LSU
  12. Georgia
  13. Oklahoma
  14. Oklahoma St.
  15. Kansas
  16. Kansas St.

With the Big 10 going to something along these lines:

  1. Indiana
  2. Minnesota
  3. Purdue
  4. Michigan
  5. Michigan St.
  6. Illinois
  7. Northwestern
  8. Penn St.
  9. Ohio St.
  10. Wisconsin
  11. Iowa
  12. Rutgers
  13. Missouri
  14. Nebraska
  15. Notre Dame
  16. Pittsburgh

And finally, the ACC coming with this one:

  1. Georgia Tech
  2. North Carolina
  3. Duke
  4. North Carolina St.
  5. Wake Forest
  6. Virginia
  7. Virginia Tech
  8. Boston College
  9. Miami
  10. Florida St.
  11. Clemson
  12. Maryland
  13. UConn
  14. Louisville
  15. Cincinnati
  16. West Virginia

Of course, that would leave a few schools, like Iowa St., Syracuse, South Florida, Baylor, TCU and Boise St. out in the cold, but they’d just have to form their own conference and bitch about it from the outside looking in.

Anyway, that’s where all this is heading, much like my former gang “The Mongooses”, which went on to dominate the school, and is now a nationally known guild… you might have heard of them… PETA. I’ve since moved on to jetsetting, writing about sports, and wearing furs. Our ideals began to clash somewhere along the line.

By edhoncho | Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (6)

The Honcho Awards, Mar. 1, 2010

March 1, 2010 – 1:45 pm

And then it was said, let there be March, and so it was. Spring springing, the renewal of life, flowers, bugs, birds, March Madness… all gracing us with their regenerating effects… at least, those of us in the northern hemisphere.

And what better way, I ask you dear readers, to celebrate this explosion of life, than with the Ed Honcho Awards? OK, besides a trip to Vegas. Or a sexy party. Or your home poker game. Or a four mile run. Or dinner for three at In-N-Out Burger. Or a deep tissue massage. Or a hot shower. Or a couple of Kudos. Or a smile from a cat. Or mowing your lawn. Or perusing some dirty magazines. Or a cup of hot tea. Or doing your taxes. After all that stuff, nothing says “life is being renewed”, like the Honcho Awards. And the lucky winners, like:

- Zach Randolph, for dropping 31 points and 25 rebounds in Memphis’ 120-109 thumping of the New York Knicks. Again, it’s been well established the last few weeks (which means it’s happening more than I thought it would… hmmm….), if you go double-double as a hoopster, and that second double begins with a “2″, you’re in, no questions asked. I mean, 25 rebounds? That’s Rodman-esque. But this is Zach Randolph we’re talking about. Who ever thought he’d have not one, but two Honchos by this point? That’s the rarefied air of the elite. We might have to start re-thinking his place in the order of things.

- Martins Adailton, for scoring a hat trick in Bologna’s thrilling 4-3 win over Genoa. And in a 4-3 game, you know they weren’t cheapies either. In fact, Bologna were losing 3-2 when Adailton struck not once, but twice, to win the game for his team. That’s the sort of clutch performance that could also be described as Honcho-worthy. I’m just fulfilling that particular adjectival prophecy.

- Andray Blatche, who dropped 36 points and 15 rebounds in Washington’s 89-85 win over the Nets. And while, yes, the Nets are a bit of a joke (more of a “guy walked into a bar” than a “knock knock”), they were just coming off a win over the Celtics, so for them, they were playing well. And maybe Washington’s trade of Antawn Jamison doesn’t look so bad… though maybe the Wizards should have known all these years what they’ve had on their bench, eh? A Honcho Award winner on your bench? Play that man!

- James Anderson, for his 27 point, 8 rebound (and 2 block) performance in Oklahoma St.’s upset of #1 Kansas. I’m not sure there’s a defense this guy can’t score against, but when you consider he’d hurt his back in practice, and wasn’t even sure he was going to play until pre-game (when he went through the absolute minimum of warmups), well, you have to give it up for that kind of performance, especially against such a defensive juggernaut. And we have, in the form of this here Honcho Award.

- Nicolas Batum, for hanging 31 points, 7 rebounds and 7 assists on the Timberwolves in Portland’s 110-91 win. From Tony Parker to Boris Diaw to Ronny Turiaf to Mickael Petrus to Joakim Noah to Batum, the French are ballin’. And while Batum may be the least known of the bunch, he may end up the best player. He’s already the only Honcho Award winning French basketballer, and rather than a snide “what’s the world coming to” remark, I’ll go with “congratulations”.

- Danny Granger, for putting 30 points, 8 rebounds and 4 rebounds up against the Bulls in Indiana’s 100-90 win. Danny just keeps chugging along in obscurity, putting up numbers that would make him a yearly all-star in other cities. But he doesn’t seem to mind. He leaves the stardom to others in his family… his great-aunt is The Queen of Gospel, Mahalia Jackson, and more importantly, his kid brother Scott… won Wipeout. But anonymity’s not gonna last long, not with this Honcho Award. Sorry about that Danny.

- Mounir El Hamdaoui, for scoring a hat trick against Vitesse Arnhem in AZ Alkmaar’s 3-0 win. He’s always been one of the up-and-coming stars of the Dutch football scene, but at some point you gotta become the star. He’s 25 now, and he’s been a bit of a disappointment (admittedly, injury has played a major role in that fate), but maybe he’s starting to reach his potential. He’s got himself a Honcho Award, which would normally be considered the culmination. Wait! It is! Welcome to the world of superstardom, Mounir. We’ve been waiting for you.

- Deron Williams, for dropping 35 points, 7 rebounds and 13 assists in Utah’s 133-110 win over Houston. He gets lost some in the mix when it comes to the league’s best point guards. I blame it on the fact that he plays for a team called the “Utah Jazz”, which causes the general public to recoil in horror at its inappropriateness, and by and large, repress their players from the subconscious. Winning Honcho Awards helps, especially coupled with the one Boozer won last week. But it won’t change that name. It won’t change that name.

- Anthony Johnson, for gashing Niagara with 24 points and 23 rebounds in Fairfield’s 80-74 victory. Again, when it comes to double-doubles, and that second double begins with a “2″, that’s an automatic qualifier. I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them, after I make them. But this is a good one, damnet, we just happen to be in the midst of a golden age for 20+ rebound performances. So take your Honcho and keep cleaning that glass, young Mr. Johnson, maybe you’ll be back here.

- Dirk Nowitzki, for his 36 point, 8 rebound, 7 assist game against New Orleans in the Mavericks 108-100 win, their ninth straight. And no, it’s not that I just wanted to use this photo (though it’s certainly a bonus… just look at him! Hilarious!), it’s that he deserves his Honcho Award. That’s a high quality game.

So there you go. Let the Honcho Awards wash over you like the first sun rays of spring. They have that affect anyway, but there’s some aptness to it today.

By edhoncho | Posted in The Honcho Awards | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (0)

Mach Draft 2.0

February 26, 2010 – 2:58 pm

Enveloped by the sights and sounds of the ____ Annual Ed Honcho NFeL Combine going on around me, I’m inspired to unveil my 2nd version of the 2010 Mach Draft. You know, the one where I ruin all the fun and reveal exactly what’s going to happen. Let the ruin begin:

1. St. Louis Rams – Sam Bradford, QB, Oklahoma

I just can’t see any scenario where the Rams don’t take a QB, whether it be Bradford or Notre Dame’s Jimmy Clausen. Paying #1 overall money to a defensive tackle, even one as dominant as Ndamukong Suh, doesn’t make sense. It would make him the highest paid DT in the league (well, excluding Haynesworth, but he plays for Daniel Snyder and his Monopoly money, so we’re not gonna count him), and since the Rams have spent 2 of their past 3 high picks on defensive linemen (that haven’t panned out yet), can they really tie that much money up in a below-average defensive-line? No. The correct answer is no. So Bradford goes here.

2. Detroit Lions – Ndamukong Suh, DT, Nebraska

And Detroit, hard-up, will joyfully let the draft’s best player fall into their lap. Hmmm… I should probably rephrase that, but I’m not gonna. Anyway, it’s no different than when they scored Calvin Johnson after the Raiders selected JaMarcus Russell first overall. Now, I’m not saying Bradford’s gonna be another Russell, but I am saying Suh will have the same kind of impact as Calvin Johnson. Whether or not it helps the Lions stop sucking more than any other team in all of sport (save the Nets this season, fine), is up to the rest of the team.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Gerald McCoy, DT, Oklahoma

And Tampa Bay, hard up, will joyfully let the draft’s second-best player fall into their lap. Hmmm… I really need to come up with new intros for this particular scenario. I should probably rephrase it, but I’m not gonna. Some in-the-know types, NFL-style, even have McCoy ranked ahead of Suh, though most admit it depends on what you’re looking for. McCoy is what’s known in scouting circles as a havoc-wreaker. He’s quick. He penetrates into the backfield. He disrupts everything you want to do. Seems like the kind of guy NFL teams could use. Especially shitty ones, like the Bucs.

4. Washington Redskins – Russell Okung, OT, Oklahoma St.

How ’bout the Big 12, huh? The top 4 picks? I wonder if that’s ever happened before? Oh wait, it hasn’t (of course I know… I’m Ed Honcho people). So prepare for the inevitability of this first. The Redskins need offensive linemen. Like, 8 of them. Might as well start with the best one. They also need a QB, and if Bradford’s available here, he’d be the pick. But he won’t be. So it’ll be Okung. Speaking in definitives leaves no room for error. None needed.

5. Kansas City Chiefs – Bryan Bulaga, OT, Iowa

This is where most prognosticator’s crystal balls start to get a little hazy. Eric Berry is the consensus pick by most here, and for good reason… he’s one of the better players in the draft. But the consensus is wrong. Kansas City’s power make-up is old school. Bunch of ex-Pats. They don’t spend high picks on positions like safety, or center, or inside linebacker. They just don’t do it. The Pats never did it, and the Chiefs shocked everyone last year by reaching for a player last year, but not a position (defensive end Tyson Jackson). And they need help along the offensive line, where Bulaga, who can play LT, RT or either guard position in a pinch, can help.

6. Seattle Seahawks – Jimmy Clausen, QB, Notre Dame

The Seahawks have to start thinking of the future at QB. Matt Hasselbeck’s had a great fall, and all the Seahawks trainers and all the Seahawks men, soon won’t be able to put Hasselbeck back together again. Plus, there’s a new, Pete Carroll-led regime in town, and new regimes like to draft new quarterbacks. That’s just the way it goes. And that’s the way it’ll go here.

7. Cleveland Browns – Eric Berry, S, Tennessee

The Browns are in the enviable yet unappealing position of being able to draft the best player available. Enviable in that they don’t have to pass on a guy like Berry, who will be the highest guy left on everyone’s draft board by this point. Unappealing in that it means their team is awful and full of holes, and they have very little hope. Berry will help.

8. Oakland Raiders – Joe Haden, CB, Florida

Everyone thinks the Raiders need to draft an OT, and if Haden’s not here, they might. But this is Al Davis we’re dealing with. You know, this guy:

And, listed amongst his interests, are suing the NFL, flip-flopping between Oakland and Los Angeles, turning people to the dark side, and young men who are very fast. Haden is very fast. And with the news that Nnamdi Asomugha is, for some reason, on the trading block (maybe that ridiculous contract you gave him last year, Al?), it makes some sense. So much sense, he’ll be the pick.

9. Buffalo Bills – Anthony Davis, OT, Rutgers

The Bills have to take an OT. They just have to. Well, OK, if Clausen or Bradford was around, they might that route. Cause they have to get a QB. They just have to. But they ain’t here, and Davis is the best OT remaining, making this a fairly straight-forward pick. So let’s just move on.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars – Derrick Morgan, DE, Georgia Tech

Nothing earth-shattering here. Jacksonville desperately needs pass-rushers. The best pass-rusher in the draft is seductively staring them in the face (but probably giving them the finger… it is Jacksonville, after all). One plus one is two. Me good math too.

11. Denver Broncos (From Chicago) - Dan Williams, DT, Tennessee

The Broncos gave up almost 600 yards rushing in their last two games to Oakland and Kansas City. Read that again. Now, read it again. Maybe a third time for good measure. And now I don’t need to explain the selection.

12. Miami Dolphins – Rolando McClain, ILB, Alabama

For captaining Alabama’s excellent defense, he’s become overhyped. He’s not the next Ray Lewis. Not even close. But his weaknesses were disguised well by Saban and his defense… the very same defense he learned at the foot of the master, Bill Parcells, who happens to run things for the Dolphins. The Dolphins will put him in a position to succeed.

13. San Francisco 49ers – Earl Thomas, S, Texas

The 49ers are on the verge of being good. Very good. As such, they don’t have as many holes as the teams prior. Their biggest need is probably OT, but none of them would be as much value here as the safety Thomas, a lesser need, but a need nonetheless.

14. Seattle Seahawks (From Denver) – Charles Brown, OT, USC

The Pete Carroll factor. This is too high, right now, for Brown to go. However, I do think he’s going to rise up the boards so this doesn’t seem quite as big a reach. And the Seahawks need a new left tackle… oh, how they need a new left tackle… what with Walter Jones’ retirement, and Brown fits. Plus, he played his whole college career under Carroll, so would I be wrong to assume there might be a little nepotism at play here? Would I? Of course I wouldn’t. Don’t be silly.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a trade to announce. The New York Giants have traded this pick, #15 overall, to the Cincinnati Bengals for their pick in the first round (#21 overall), their third round pick (#84), and their 6th round pick (# not known yet, as compensatory picks have yet to be given)

15. Cincinnati Bengals (From New York Giants) – Dez Bryant, WR, Oklahoma St.

If Dez starts to fall this far, someone’s moving up to get him. Cincinnati makes the most sense for a couple of reasons. First, they need receivers. Lavernues Coles was a disappointment, and Chad 85 will turn 33 next season. Plus, did you see the way teams defensed them as the season wore on? And how the Bengals couldn’t stop it? Yeah, me too. As for making the trade, I think they’ll be willing, as they’ll have another third rounder from the compensatory pick allocation process (for losing Houshmandzadeh last season), and a sixth is… well, a sixth round pick.

16. Tennessee Titans – Jason Pierre-Paul, DE, South Florida

Physically, this guy has everything you want in a defensive end. He’s huge (6′6″, 270 pounds), he’s fast, he’s athletic. You can’t design ‘em any better than this. The hang-up, of course, is experience. He only played major college ball for one year. And he’s got plenty of questions… does he have the desire? Did he succeed cause opponents were focused on teammate George Selvie, who will also be drafted? How is he against the run? But you know how the draft works. Guys with this kind of potential go high, and then usually bust. But maybe not this time!

17. San Francisco 49ers – Mike Iupati, OG/OT, Idaho

Mike Singletary’s gonna love this guy. He wants to grind you down. He wants to wear you out. And whether Iupati plays at right tackle or someone on the interior, it won’t matter. Singletary’s gonna want him on the roster.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – Taylor Mays, S, USC

This is what the Steelers do. They let everyone fill up on needs all around them, then draft a gem that falls. In this case, it’s Mays, who will team up with Troy Polamalu to form one of the most formidable safety tandems the league has ever seen.

19. Atlanta Falcons – Brandon Graham, DE, Michigan

This is gonna be a tough call for the Falcons. Production-wise, Graham was a beast, terrorizing pretty much everyone he faced in college. But he’s got T-Rex sized arms. There’s never been a successful defensive end in the NFL with arms as short as his… they can’t get off blocks. But he’s done it against elite competition. And the Falcons really need a DE, and there aren’t many worth this pick. So let’s give ‘em Graham.

20. Houston Texans – Kyle Wilson, CB, Boise St.

The Texans play in the same division as the Colts. Which means they play in the same division as Peyton Manning. Which means a past-it Dunta Robinson etc… aren’t going to cut it. Wilson proved at the Senior Bowl that he’s got great cover skills, and the Texans could use some of those.

21. New York Giants (From Cincinnati) – Daryl Washington, LB, TCU

This seems like a reach right now, I know, but by draft day, it won’t. Washington is an underrated all-around linebacker, and the Giants are desperate for help. They’ve already cut Antonio Pierce, and what’s left… well, what’s left is why they had such a lousy defensive year in 2009. Washington starts the healing process.

22. New England Patriots – Sergio Kindle, OLB, Texas

The Pats are in the process of getting younger on defense, but they skipped over the part about the guys that are supposed to pressure the QB. Time to start that process now.

23. Green Bay Packers – C.J. Spiller, RB, Clemson

Ooooh, and aaaah, everyone will go. “I didn’t see that coming” one, or two, or all of the “experts” will say. “I told you so” I’ll say from the comfort of my draft-yacht (AKA “The Sloop”). Ryan Grant is a nice running back. So nice he helped me to a fantasy championship this year. But he’s not explosive. Spiller is nothing but. So they’ll be one of those two-headed backfield things. And with the productivity of Green Bay’s passing offense, how open will the holes be for Spiller? Very. And yes, I know the Packers need offensive linemen and corners, but the draft is about value, something Green Bay GM Ted Thompson understands, and Spiller, here, represents great value.

24. Philadelphia Eagles – Everson Griffen, DE, USC

The Eagles have to give Trent Cole some help. They’re just not getting enough pressure on opposing QB’s. Help comes in the form a Griffen, yet another USC stud.

25. Baltimore Ravens – Brian Price, DE/DT, UCLA

Price will be a defensive end in the Ravens 3-4 (except, of course, when they switch to a 4-3, which they do from time to time). Trevor Pryce and Kelly Gregg are both on their last legs, and will need to be replaced soon. And Price, who could have gone 10-12 picks higher, represents great value. The Ravens way.

26. Arizona Cardinals – Jerry Hughes, OLB, TCU


The Cardinals are about to start hemorrhaging linebackers, and it’s time to restock. Hughes was a defensive end in college, but looks to make a great OLB and the right 3-4 team in the NFL. Arizona, I suppose, is hoping they’re that team.

27. Dallas Cowboys – Bruce Campbell, OT, Maryland

Lots of people out there saying Doug Free is the future at left tackle. I disagree. He’s the future at right tackle. And Jerry likes his giants to be behemoths. At 6′7″, 315 pounds, Campbell, and his boomstick, makes the grade.

28. San Diego Chargers – Ryan Mathews, RB, Fresno St.

By draft day, Mathews is going to be ranked this high. He’s the only guy in the draft with everything… size and power, speed and elusiveness, a knack for the crease and a stomach for blocking. The only reason he doesn’t go higher is a fairly extensive injury history… nothing devastating, just lots of little problems. It says here the Chargers won’t be able to pass him up.

29. New York Jets – Jared Odrick, DE/DT, Penn St.

Both starting DE’s, Shaun Ellis and Marques Douglas, turn 33 this year. And there’s virtually no depth on the roster. Odrick impressed at the Senior Bowl and keeps moving on up the draft boards. This is where he’ll stop.

30. Minnesota Vikings – Devin McCourty, CB, Rutgers

Antoine Winfield is 33. Cedric Griffin just had major knee surgery. No one else is proven. Yup, they need some help.

31. Indianapolis Colts – Lamarr Houston, DT, Texas

By draft day he’s going in the first round. To the Colts. With the 31st pick. That’s just how it’s going to go. Their DT’s played better than expected, but that means they gotta be paid better than expected, and the Colts don’t do that. Time to bring in a young guy.

32. New Orleans Saints – Sean Weatherspoon, OLB, Missouri

Cause Scott Shanle sucks.

So there you go. Another prophetic post from yours truly. Don’t bitch to me if you don’t like your favorite team’s pick. I’m just a conduit for information. Instead, write to your local congressman, they seem to like to dip their noses into the sports world. Maybe they can help.

By edhoncho | Posted in General, Yet Exceptional, Opining | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (2)

Me and My 4.2 Forty

February 25, 2010 – 12:49 pm

I’m not typically one to boast, except when I do. And I’m not typically prone to pretension, except when I am. And most of the time I don’t like to toot my own horn, except some of the time.

This is one of those times.

For you see, dear readers, yours truly once attended the NFL scouting combine. OK, ostensibly, it was as a concessions vendor (and it would boggle your mind… literally boggle it to pieces… to understand the number of hot dogs NFL scouts suck down. I wouldn’t recommend even trying), but realistically, my plan was to pull a Willie Mays Hayes and sneak in a run in the 40 yard dash, procuring both accolades and a 7 year guaranteed contract on the spot. Alas, the constant stream of NFL scouts at my particular concessions stand left me no time to slip off.

So, I did the next best thing. I held my own combine. The 1st Annual Ed Honcho NFeL Combine (I’m legally not allowed to use “NFL”, at least not yet, but we’re in talks). And yes, the combine continues to this day, though I’ve dropped the “___ Annual” from the title, as it gives away my age, and no self-respecting man of renown gives away his age.

And I blew it up. I absolutely killed it. You could say my stock went through the roof, but that would be a tad bit cliche’, though not totally unexpected. Let’s just say I set some marks that have yet to be bested. Alas, I would suffer the ignominy of lesser player after lesser player getting drafted before me, until there were no more picks remaining, all under the uncomfortable lights of the green room (which, in this case, was my buddy Secretariat Jones’ garage, where he grew copious amounts of “green”).

This, after a 4.2 forty yard dash. That’s right, a 4.2! And 68 reps of the 225 pound bench press! And a 4.95 three-cone drill! All records that will never be touched. And don’t even get me started on the Wonder-Lick test, which I nailed to the tune of a 84! And that’s out of 50! Don’t ask me how I did it, I’m just super-duper smart and shit. You tell me how I didn’t get drafted… how I wasn’t the number one pick… cause I got no idea.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure (which, in the interest of honesty, I’ve never been all that interested in), the drills did have to be slightly modified, as the venue was, and continues to be, a living room. So yes, the “40 yard dash” was technically only 26 yards, and it definitely had a circular feel to it, as opposed to the straight-line preferred by the NFL… but hey, a 4.2 is a 4.2. And the 225 pound bench, impressively performed by me 68 times, was a plastic bag full of English monetary notes… the paper variety… totaling 225 pounds. But fact is I bench pressed 225 pounds 68 times. Undeniable. And again, yes, the three-cone drill was somewhat altered, involving actual ice cream cones and a Black & Decker drill (convoluted, yes… hilarious, yes… pertinence to future NFL success, debatable), and the Wonder-Lick test I’d rather not discuss on a public forum… but when you step back and look at the facts… I nailed ‘em.

I’ve also created some other drills the NFL should really consider, if they really want to cover all their bases, or more relevantly, go over all their hashmarks. For instance:

The Smackdown. As a well-known practitioner of leaving impressions, I’m well aware that looking the part is as important as acting the part. This drill prepares potential draftees for many of today’s traditional pre-game rituals. Basically, two people stand across from one another and slap the shit out of each other. Now, before games, they’ll have helmets on. So if they can handle it without helmets, handling it with helmets should come easy. Once the prospects prove they can handle the face slap, we move on to the shoulder pound, where, instead of slapping each other, they pound down on each others shoulders. Again, before games they will typically be wearing shoulder pads. If they can handle it without shoulder pads, then adding the pads should make it a breeze.

The Get-Down. Today’s NFL is watched by millions of people. Players need to make a name for themselves quick, as a standard career is less than 4 years. What better way than with a memorable shimmy? And the opportunities to bust it out now are almost limitless… after touchdowns, sacks, big hits, blocked kicks, great catches, runs of 6 yards or more, tipped passes, completed passes, well-executed punts, blocks, praise from a coach… any excuse to show off is a good one. Unless you suck. But we have a drill that guarantees success. Dancing with cats. That’s right. Cats are quick and graceful, and time spent mastering the cat crafts will get you noticed, I assure you. For example:

Funky.

The Stuffer. This is for all the aspiring linemen. Or, you know, anyone. The fact is, NFL linemen are huge. Most of the prospects that come to the Ed Honcho NFeL Combine need to gain some size, so for this drill, we all head to Sizzler between 3 and 5 for the all-you-can-eat buffet. Nothing gains mass like Jello and smothered steak.

Touch-and-Go. So this study revealed to the world something that I and the wonderful people at the Ed Honcho NFeL Combine were already well aware of… that athletes who touch each other perform better (oh, the hours we spent on this one). It sounds bad, yes, and not handled properly, it is bad. There’s a right way and a wrong way to pat another man’s butt. The pat needs to be brief but firm… not too firm, though… a hard slap says “I spanked that ass”. That’s not what we’re going for. A nice firm pat. And squeezing and fondling are strictly forbidden. Should the fingers begin to curl below the 180 degree, flat-hand angle while on the butt, you may get an unwanted response in the form of a ki(ss)ck to the mouth. Either way, best to play it safe.

And you’d be shocked at the amount of prospects that can’t properly perform the bro-hug, or man-hug. They stumble all over themselves, or one goes for the handshake while the other goes for the arm-wrestling-grip, or their lower halves get far too close. To help, we’ve begun to use this document:

It seems to help.

Could you beat my marks? I doubt it. Not because of a lack of confidence in you, per se, but a real strong sense of confidence in me. So when you read/hear where some young hotshot ran a 4.3 forty, or bench presses 225 pounds 36 times, say to yourself “harumph, that’s not as good as Ed Honcho.” I demand it.

By edhoncho | Posted in General, Yet Exceptional, Opining | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (1)

Words of Fury, With Mad Adam

February 24, 2010 – 1:49 pm

And here the Canadian ice dancers, having aced their difficult lifts, are about to move into a series of twizzles. And they look good, Dick Button… they’re in sync, they’re… wait, what’s this! It appears someone has entered the rink, and he appears to be…  yes, he’s body-checked the Canadian duo into the boards during their twizzle routine! Now he’s reigning blows down upon them. We’re getting word that the man calls himself Mad Adam, and he appears to have a strong stance against ice dancing, Canadian fraud, sequins and puppies.

The horror. The horror.

Frozen Fury

I know that as of late, many of you have been awake at night, clutching the bed sheets close, with your minds racing with one singular thought dominating all others…..will Mad Adam be pointing his cannon of fury at the Winter Olympics, or will he let these Winter Olympiad games glide off into the night unscathed like a gleeful ice dancer?

Have no fear faithful readers.  I have been biding my time, waiting for the countless hours of NBC, MSNBC, CNBC and the rest of their alphabet soup of coverage to accumulate until I found the proper fodder for my scorn, ridicule and yes, frozen fury.

So, on this the 13th day of competition, and in no particular order, here are the things that so far have pissed me off, made by blood pressure spike or otherwise made me say to myself, dude…what are they thinking?

OWN THE PODIUM?….MORE LIKE RENTING IT OUT FOR AN OCCASIONAL BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION

Coming into these Olympics, the Canucks were talking more shit than Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino at an abdomen flexing convention.  Since January 2005 Canada has been working on a program known as “Own the Podium” designed to make Canada the top winter sporting nation in the world at these Olympic games.

One little problem.  You see while the Vancouver party crowd has been higher than a kite for the Games, the Canadian Olympians have failed to reach the heights envisioned by “Own the Podium.”  Sure, they have won the first gold medals ever for Canada at an Olympics they have hosted.  However, they are still lagging far behind in total medal count when it comes to their neighbors to the south and other traditional winter powers like Germany and Norway.

Speaking of being the United States bitch, how about that hockey game, eh? The Red, White and Blue sure made those hosers look like a bunch of hacks, eh?

Maybe the Canucks will turn this around and still pull out gold in hockey. But, if not, then “Own the Podium” will be an even bigger joke than it has already become.  Hey Canada, stick to bacon and curling and leave the ownership of podiums to those who have been there before.

IT IS A SHIN FOR FUCK’S SAKES….GIMME A BREAK!!

Lest I be seen as a vitriolic xenophobe, I need to take some time now to carp about American’s newest sweetheart, Lindsey Vonn.  In the days leading up to the Olympics Lindsey and her husband/coach Thomas (I never trust those relationships) announced that Lindsey had a….wait for it…..bruised shin.  Cue the gasps of horror.

Look, I know that a severely bruised shin (labeled as “excruciating” by Lindsey) is nothing to sniff about.  Especially in a sport where putting weight on the shin is an essential element of doing her job.

Still…..gimme a break already.  Bob Costas and crew have dissected the ramifications of her bruise like we are talking about a severed head.  Just a few weeks ago another world class athlete, Dwight Freeney, recovered from torn ankle ligaments and played in the Super Bowl, pushing off the damaged ankle with all of his 270 pounds as he pursued Drew Brees around the field.  I was pretty sure that Lindsey could do the same with her BRUISED shin.

However, when she won gold in the downhill event she collapsed to the ground in a melodramatic heap, and then issued a series of yelps, screams, grunts and moans that were designed to let everyone know I AM HURT, BUT I WON ANYWAY.  I AM A HERO!!!

The media wasted no time in picking up where that left off, telling and re-telling the story so many times that I want to throw up now when I listen to The Shins on general principle alone.  I get it already,  She was hurt.  She won.  Blah, blah, blah.

Anyone else find it curious that we have yet to see the bruise?  Sure, we have seen her pull off the obligatory limp when preparing for competition.  But, how about letting us see that terrible boo-boo?

Methinks that under her snow boot is a nice sized bruise, but nothing Earth-shattering.  But then, why ruin the story?  That would take the focus away from Lindsey and her model looks (great for corporate advertising), and then we might have time to appreciate something else, like the surprisingly good Olympics turned in by true underdog Julia Mancuso.  And we wouldn’t want that now would we, Mr. Costas?

ICE DANCING IS ALREADY EASY TO MAKE FUN OF, BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH

Chazz Michael Michaels is immediately who I think of when ice dancing is the topic.  If the mental imagery of Will Ferrell squeezed into a tight-fitting, bedazzled and sequin-encrusted costume was not bad enough, this year’s Olympics are pushing it to new limits.  Take for example, the Russian pairing of Oksana Domnina and Maxim Shabalin who have been spotted skating in the following:

I won’t waste your time and rail on how these “Aboriginal” costumes are arguably racist.  And, I won’t waste your time detailing the changes they made to the costumes for the Olympics.  I will simply say that this picture is why I hate ice dancing, and why any red-blooded male who wants to enter the sport, but still likes girls, ought to run like the wind.

LAY OFF JOHNNY YOU ANTI-FUR ZEALOTS!

While we are on the subject of skating, let’s chat for a moment about Johnny Weir.  Our boy Johnny was apparently the subject of threats from PETA types who objected to some of his costumes.  Oh boy, did the fur fly then!

Johnny had to stay out of sight in the Olympic village to avoid the hub-bub.  I guess he is safe for now.  But, I am still angry.  Leave little Johnny alone I say.  He couldn’t hurt anyone.  Just look at him!

WILL EVERYBODY STOP TAKING RISQUÉ PHOTOS ON THEIR PHONE ALREADY?

First, there was Greg Oden.  Then there was George Hill.  Now, we have bronze medal winning snowboardist Scotty Lago.  Check out how he partied after getting off the podium:

I mean, after winning a medal for yourself and country, who doesn’t want to have a hottie bite on the symbol of your victory as you dangle it in front of your junk while somebody takes a picture?  If the U.S. Olympians had not been given special training prior to the Olympics on how to avoid this kind of embarrassment, maybe you could excuse Mr. Lago.  As it is, you can only shake your head and remind yourself that he competes in as sport where the top athlete is known as the “Flying Tomato” and the best move is the “Double McTwist 1260.“

Those are just a few things I am worked up about when it comes to the Olympics.  If I had the time, space or inclination I would also bitch about that shit-talking sore loser Evgeni Plushenko, the failure at the opening ceremonies when one of one of the columns failed to properly raise up, leaving speedskater Catriona LeMay Doan hoping that the millions watching would not notice as she stood there with nothing to do while her three companions lit the flame and finally, how it is possible that curling is really a sport.

Alas, there are so many things to be angry about and so little time to vent.

By edhoncho | Posted in Mad Adam | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (2)

Saying Uncle

February 23, 2010 – 1:57 pm

In honor of LaDainian Tomlinson’s next move… you know, the one where he overvalues himself, thinks he’s still got good years left, wants to sign with a team that will make him the #1 back, then when that doesn’t happen signs with anyone, is average-below average for a year or two then fades from consciousness… I’ve decided to compile a list of the 15 NFL players he could learn a lesson from. Hanging on too long, they call it, or knowing when to say when, other people call it, or saying uncle, I call it. Check it:

- Exhibit A. Like Tomlinson, Alexander was extremely dominant not so long ago, before fading faster than Freddie Prinze Jr.’s career (there’s a list for another time… hanging your career on the Scooby Doo franchise… nobody ever learns). Similar path for Tomlinson? All signs point to yes.

- Paul Zimmerman, AKA Dr. Z, called Marion Motley the greatest professional football player of all time. Even Paul Brown, who would go on to coach Jim Brown, called Motley a better player (because of his blocking skills to go along with his running skills). To see him in a Steelers uni for a year was strange. To see him wearing Converse All-Stars was even stranger.

- In Emmitt’s defense, by the time he joined the Cardinals, he was merely chasing records. He knew he wasn’t going to win anything. And in the Cardinals defense, they struggled so in filling their borrowed stadium, to have someone break the all-time rushing-record wearing Cardinal… um… Cardinal, was a definite boost to the old profit margin. To his detriment, he was only hanging around to chase records, that’s no reason to keep playing (see Sanders, Barry).

- Bill George invented the position of middle linebacker when he played for the Bears. Let me explain. The standard defensive formation called for 5 defensive linemen back in the days of George’s rookie year. After noticing, in a game against Philly, that the QB would just wait until he rushed (from the middle of the 5 man line), then toss it over his head into the space he just vacated, he started to fake a rush, then drop back and completely wreak havoc on the Philly passing game. The man changed the way the game was played… that’s pretty good stuff. Alas, after starring for the Bears from 1952-1965, he joined the LA Rams for one entirely forgettable season in 1966. So forgettable, there are no photos on the entire interweb documenting the event.

- Thurman Thomas is very similar, in build, to Tomlinson. They even had comparable games, though Tomlinson at his peak was certainly more accomplished than Thomas. Now, does anyone remember how his one year with the Dolphins went? Are you listening LaDainian?

- In fairness, Broadway Joe was probably thinking of his budding acting career, which would go on to include appearances in The Waverly Wonders, The Brady Bunch, ALF, Sesame Street and the movies The Last Rebel and CC & Company. And what better way to prepare for that impressive list of hits than to suck one year for the Rams?

- John Mackey, he of the revolutionized-the-tight-end-position credit to his resume when he played for the Colts, spent the last year of his career as a decidedly below-average, setting-the-tight-end-position-back-5-years struggler with the Chargers. Though, if you look at the last few destinations… San Diego, LA, Miami, LA again, Arizona… maybe they’re all just going through the traditional retirement routine. So maybe Mackey just wanted to play golf and eat dinner at 3 in the sunshine, and really, who could blame him?

- Slightly different for Earl Campbell, as he was traded to the Saints to be reunited with Bum Phillips, but he was well past it and he knew it. Even the Saints fans were pissed about the trade, that’s how far his game had slipped. But he held on for awhile, boosting his kitty so he could start his famous line of meat products. And we owe him a debt of gratitude.

- See that teensy-ass photo? That’s all that remains as a photographic record on the whole of the webbernet of Carl Eller’s one mediocre year in Seattle. And it’s a football card. After establishing himself as a dominant force in Minnesota, he decided to hang on for one extra year in the Pacific Northwest, and as expected, it didn’t go well. When will they learn?

- But at least Eller has a photo. Bob Hayes, seen here inhaling a nearby cloud, and his last days with the San Francisco 49ers have no photographic documentation, such was their mediocrity. For Dallas, he set records left and right (including one just broken this past season by Miles Austin)… but he was always a speed guy, and when speed guys lose their speed, well, you know the rest…

- Jim Taylor was the Packers all-time leading rusher until this past season when Ahman Green broke it with a charity carry. He decided, in his infinite wisdom, that his last year as a player would best be spent playing for the expansion New Orleans Saints. Yeah, it didn’t go well.

- Like Earl Campbell, Tony Dorsett was traded to the Denver Broncos. Why do teams trade for washed-up running backs? It doesn’t happen much anymore, what with free agency and all, but there’s this example, and Campbell’s, and Hershel Walker’s, and Eric Dickerson’s. And it’s never made any sense. And like all the other running backs on this list, I’m sure Dorsett knew, deep down, he was done, but he took the Broncos money. Can we blame him? Broncos’ fans can.

- Franco Harris, after demanding a pay raise from the Steelers and instead getting cut, spent his final year with the Seahawks. He went into the season in a neck and neck battle with Walter Payton, needing only 362 yards to pass Jim Brown. He would gain only 170 all season and retire. Out with a whimper, they call it.

- Like Bob Hayes and Bill George, there appears to be no photographic evidence of Ron Yary having spent the last year of his career with the LA Rams. A dominant force with the Minnesota Vikings for 14 seasons, he was a feeble weak spot for the Rams. OK, that’s probably stretching it… he was OK. But nothing like the league had come to expect from him. And like many before him, he went to sunny LA for his last years. That part, at least, you can’t blame him for.

- Then of course, there was Johnny U. There’s something wrong about him in that Chargers jersey, sweet though it may be. You can’t blame him for heading to the nice weather, but he was an immobile shell of himself… he was 40, after all. And yes, he was traded, but he hadn’t been starting for the Colts before the trade, and surely knew he was past it. And where’s the concern for legacy? This just wasn’t/isn’t/never-will-be right.

So what say you, LaDainian? Do you dare hang them up? Go out on top, sorta?

Yeah, right. Enjoy your 78 carries and 224 yards in Houston next year.

By edhoncho | Posted in General, Yet Exceptional, Opining | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (3)

The Honcho Awards, Feb. 22, 2010

February 22, 2010 – 12:54 pm

I love you all, loyal readers. You know that, right? Without you, Ed Honcho is just an incredibly sexy man-about-town with no audience. And there’s the rub. Typically, incredibly sexy men-about-town like to have an audience. It’s an ego thing. You complete me and my narcissism, and for that, I’m forever grateful.

Alas, and this goes with the territory, I’ll admit, you’re a finicky lot. You have your viewpoints and your point-of-views that sometimes clash with mine. Again, all part and parcel.

But your incessant campaigning has to stop. If I get one more message that says “_______ deserves a Honcho Award, surely” or “if you don’t give ______ a Honcho Award, you’re an idiot” or even just “you’re an idiot”, well, that’ll be one more of those messages I’ll have gotten. And no, BobcatsRule4Eva, I’m not giving one to Raymond Felton this week, no matter how much his all around game was the key to victory. And no, VillaSmash, I’m not giving one to Stewart Downing for scoring a couple of times against lowly Burnley. The Honcho Awards aren’t for pretty good performances, they’re for elite ones. Like those put up by:

- The U.S. Mens Hockey team. And it’s not just that they haven’t beaten Canada in the Olympics since 1960, and it’s not just that Canada is infinitely superior, talent-wise, in every way, and it’s not just that US goalkeeper Ryan Miller played the game of his life… wait, yes it is. It’s all those things. Honcho Award worthy in every sense.

- Cacau, for scoring 4 goals in Stuttgart’s 5-1 beatdown of Cologne. That’s right, 4 goals. That’s a first since the inception of the Honcho Awards, and when firsts come around, especially when they’re not first for ineptitude, they’re Honcho worthy. Simple as.

- Russell Westbrook of the Oklahoma City Thunder, for coming this close (where “this close” equals the space between the two words, I guess) to dropping two triple-doubles over the weekend. In yesterday’s 109-107 victory over Minnesota, he pulled it off, with 22 points, 14 assists and 10 rebounds. In Saturday’s 121-118 victory over New York, he had 31 points, 10 assists and 9 rebounds. Oh so close. As a consolation, here’s a Honcho (and actually, the two triple-doubles would have been consolation for missing out on a Honcho, as we’ve discussed… but whatever, I’m not changing it).

- Simon Amman, for taking his second gold medal of these games on the individual large hill. It strikes me that ski-jumping would be difficult to dominate… a lot of it is luck based on wind at the time of the jump, and Ammann is no larger and not noticeably stronger than the rest of the jumpers… and yet he dominates the sport. His two golds give him four for his career, more than any ski-jumper in history. And he’s the most decorated Swiss athlete of all-time. Those sort of kudos win Honcho Awards, that’s just the way it is.

- Mamadou Niang, for his hat trick in Marseille’s 3-1 victory over AS Nancy Lorraine. I know Nancy Lorraine… she’s a bit of a bitch, to be honest… and trust me when I say that for Niang to score three times… extremely Honcho Award worthy. Maybe the most worthy recipient we’ve had yet. Congratulations Mamadou, and… how’d you do it?

- Carlos Boozer, for dropping 22 points and 23 rebounds in Utah’s 93-89 victory over Portland. This makes the second week running we’ve had a 20-20 man, and the second week running they’ve won Honcho Awards. That’s just how it goes. Creep into the over-20 rebounds double-double area, win yourself a Honcho. It’s in the statutes.

- Michel Bastos, for his hat trick in Lyon’s 4-0 victory over Sochaux. Lots of goals scored this weekend in the world of soccer. Progressives call it a good thing, purists say it’s ruining the game. Sound familiar, hockey fans? Or American football fans? Or baseball fans? Or any other sports fans? Along with performance-enhancing drugs, groupies, obscene money and gratuitous adulation, every sport has its own version of the progressives vs. purists argument, almost always having to do with scoring. Score this Honcho Award for the progressives.

- Bode Miller, for his gold in the men’s super-combined event. Not sure what makes it “super”, but whatever. It sounds catchy, that’s probably it. As for Miller, impressive after his meltdown in Torino to perform as well as he has, especially considering he was retired until this past September. A nice capper to an illustrious career. The Honcho Award, not the gold medal.

- Cristiano Ronaldo, for his goal and three assists in Real Madrid’s 6-2 shellacking of Villareal. And in case you didn’t know, Ronaldo is from Madeira, site of the horrible mudslides this past week. We’re not saying he was inspired, but it was by far his best game in a Real Madrid shirt, and the nod to his homeland in the photo above says it was at least on his mind. And Villareal is no slouch. An impressive, Honcho worthy performance.

- Kevin VanDam, for his third victory in the Bassmaster Classic, fishing’s most prestigious event (or, the “super bowl” of fishing, as we’re so prone to ascribe to major sporting events). The win makes him the first bass pro over the $4 million mark in career earnings, making Ed Honcho think maybe he chose the wrong career. $4 million! Can that be right? So I’m giving this award to him, and I’m off to the lakes.

So there it is. Sorry MadAdamRulez!, no Lakers regardless of your insistence. And my apologies, ThunderCougarFalconBird, but there were just no worthy Houston Cougars, no matter how much you campaign for them. That’s just the way it is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to dig my tackle box out. I know it’s around here somewhere.

By edhoncho | Posted in The Honcho Awards | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Comments (3)