Ed Honcho

Q: Mad Adam, what do you think of Ed Honcho and his skills as they pertain to spinning quality yarns and reporting sports from an angle very few are privy to?

A: I think he’s a bitch.

Bizarro Media Day

Yesterday the mainstream (and some decidedly non-mainstream, see Ocho Cinco News Network) press descended on not so sunny Florida for a time honored tradition.  That’s right, Media Day.

You know, that day when a bunch of overweight, pasty nerdy reporters all jostle for position while thrusting microphones in the faces of players to ask a barrage of stupid questions all in hopes of either: (A) getting a player to say something stupid that will get a rise out of the other team; or (B) hearing something from a player that is interesting on a personal level.

An example of a comment falling into category “A” took place in 1979 when Dallas Cowboy linebacker Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson denigrated the intelligence of Terry Bradshaw, quipping that Bradshaw could not spell “Cat” if he spotted him the “C” and the “T.” Classic.

An example of a comment falling into category “B” happened in 1997 when the late Reggie White took the stage and used it as his personal pulpit for some of his religious musings.  Among them was this little gem when discussing the crucifixion of Jesus Christ: “He was healing the sick, and the doctors got mad…..,” “He was raising the dead, and all the funeral home directors got mad.”  Bizarre.

Sadly, yesterday’s Media Day was replete with every cliché and coach-speak jargon ever invented.  So, there was an almost wholesale deprivation of categories “A” and “B.”  Not a classic or bizarre comment to be found.

Don’t let this get you down, though.  Why?  Because in my mind’s eye, I envisioned a Media Day where safe-talk was banned, and players and coaches were injected with truth serum and given a microphone to use as weapon of brutal honesty.  Sounds fun, huh?  Join me then, as I share with you a few questions and answers from this “Bizarro Media Day.”  Sure, it never happened, but wouldn’t it be fun if it did?

Peyton Manning

Q: Peyton, you have already won a Super Bowl and you are this year’s MVP; does a win in this year’s Super Bowl elevate you to the status of being considered one of the best, if not THE best, ever at QB?

A: You bet your sweet ass.  Elway?  A chump.  Montana?  A bothersome whitehead zit on my gorgeous derriere.  Brady?  I don’t see that “please-don’t-hit-me-in-the-knees-or-I-will-cry” pretty boy around here, do you?  Oh, that’s right, they lost in the first round after I relegated them there with a humiliating loss on Sunday Night Football.

Q: Wow, Peyton that was pretty strong!  Do you feel the same about your supremacy vis-à-vis Drew Brees?

A: That’s a joke, right?  Man, that was a good one.  Wait, you are serious?  What kind of low moron are you? My brother Eli was better than Drew when he was in 5^th grade.  Dude, Drew here’s a quarter, go pay a rat to gnaw that thing off your face.

Q: Peyton, do you think your father Archie would approve of this kind of egotistical behavior?

A: He’s not the boss of me!!! I am outta here.

Reggie Bush

Q: Reggie, there has been a lot of tabloid speculation about your on again off again relationship with Kim Kardashian.  How do you handle that pressure, particularly with the big game coming up on Sunday?

A: Pressure? Whatchoo talking about pressure?  I am tapping that ass baby!  Have you seen it? It is booty-licious.  Sometimes when I get bored I just jump up and down on it like a trampoline.   That ain’t pressure.

Q: Ummmm….OK. Moving to other matters, much has been made about your time at USC and whether or not you helped to contribute to the down-fall of the team and its current woes with the NCAA.  Care to comment?

A: Look, so I got an absolutely beautiful home rent free, plus spending money and other shit just for promising this ex-con that I would make him my agent when I went pro. He got pissed when I backed out of the deal, but that’s just business right?  I mean I was straight up about it.  I told Coach Carroll what was going on all along, and he told me not to worry about it because he was leaving soon anyway, and he could give a shit if the NCAA finds out.  So, what’s the problem?  What’s that?  Lane Kiffin is on the phone for me? It’s urgent? Looks like I gotta go. Yo, peace.

Pierre Garcon

Q: First, our condolences for you and the people of your native homeland, Haiti.

A: You must be tripping!  Fool, I was born in Carmel, New York. I went to High School in Greenacres, Florida.  Man, I love all the Haitians, and I can’t deny that I am hoping the sympathy vote may go my way for MVP because I am technically Haitian, but seriously dude, you are taking this all a bit far.

Q: Ooookaaay.  Ummmm…, how does it feel following in the steps of Marvin Harrison, one of the most celebrated Colts’ wide receivers of all time?

A: Well, I haven’t shot anyone with a handgun yet. So, I guess I am doing OK so far.

Jeremy Shockey

Q: What do those words in Latin mean on the tattoo inside of your right bicep?

A: Nice, glad you asked that.  They mean, “Those Who Desire Peace Must Prepare for War.”

Q: Wow, that is deep.  Was that a reaction to the post 9/11 world we live in?  You know, kind of an ink on flesh recitation of your personal manifesto regarding our nation’s foreign policy in these troubling times?

A: Dude….did you just speak Latin too?  Seriously bro, take it easy.  I just thought it sounded really hard-core, and I was pretty sure I was going to get laid all the time with something that sounds deep AND tough.

Jim Caldwell

Q: Coach, you could follow in the foot-steps of your mentor Tony Dungy and become only the second African-American to coach a team to a win in the Super Bowl.  Has the gravity of that set in for you yet?

A: Tony Dungy is black?  No way!  You ever listen to him on Sunday Night Football?  Man, he is white-bread.  Now, if I win you can finally say a black coach won.

Q: Geez Coach, isn’t that a bit harsh considering he was your mentor?

A: Pfffttt…..

Q: Is that all you are going to say in response, just “pfffffttt?”

A:

Tom Benson

Q: You have owned this team since 1985 and can truly say you have seen the highest highs and the lowest lows during that time. Does this make New Orleans a special place for you?

A: Truth be told, I spent the greater part of the “Naughties” trying to move this team to San Antonio. Katrina damn near made my dream a reality, but then the PC police took over and nixed the deal.

Q: The “Naughties” sir?

A: You know, the “Aughts” sound OK when describing the 2000’s, but why not spruce it up some? I mean c’mon, I live in New Orleans. You ever been to Bourbon Street? Back in ‘87 I went on a bender after a bad loss and woke up in a seedy hotel room with a tranny and 3 monkeys, and I was covered in whip cream and wearing nothing but a bustier.  Man….what a night!

Yup, that would indeed be a “bizarro” Media Day.  But, it sure would be a lot more fun than what he get every year in its place.  Perchance to dream……

I will be back next week when football is done and hoops take center stage.  Until then, enjoy Super Bowl Sunday.  Colts cover, by the way.  Just in case you were wondering.