Ed Honcho

Possible side effects of Mad Adam include: sneaky bowel; a sensitivity to light; the inability to fecund; heart failure; the development of a third and fourth personality; restless ass syndrome (including explosive diarrhea); an allergic reaction to lilacs; the plague; volatile audacity; and a resistance to common sense. If you experience an erection lasting longer than 48 hours, administer high-fives to anyone nearby, unless you’re a woman, in which case you should probably call a doctor. Mad Adam is a registered trademark of You Made Me Piss Myself Productions, a subsidiary of S.U.C.K.I.T. Inc.

A LYRICAL ODE TO OUR COLLECTIVE STUPIDITY

Well, the decade of the “aughts” or the “2000’s” or the “deccies” or whatever you choose to call these past ten years is rapidly coming to a close (I am going with aughts in case you were wondering).  You know what that means, right?  Lists!!!  That’s right, list after list after list, cataloguing the best and worst of the decade.

Let me be clear.  I HATE THESE LISTS.  They are nothing more than insipid attempts to cram 10 years of movies, books and other pop culture into one “authoritative” list that usually panders to the popular while ignoring the deserving.   But sadly, I still read them just like the rest of you rubes.

One such list that recently caught my attention was Billboard magazine’s list of the top album, song and group of the decade.  All hope I had left in humanity departed me when I saw that ‘N Sync’s “No Strings Attached” was the decade’s best selling album with 10 millions copies of their cacophony being purchased.  Then my horror only escalated when I saw that Mariah Carey scored the most popular song of the aughts with her sappy ballad, “We Belong Together.”  But, the trifecta of stupidity was completed when I gazed in disbelief at the top group churned out in the past ten years, that’s right, Nickelback .

Dudes and Dudettes….it appears that we get what we deserve.  If America truly embraces the collective works of Justin Timberlake, JC Chasez, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick, Mariah Carey, Chad Kroeger, Mike Kroeger, Ryan Peaks and Daniel Adair, then I believe this to be the last sign of the coming apocalypse.

I could go on ad nauseam about the reasons why ‘N Sync, Mariah Carey and Nickelback have contributed nothing to society other than a NASA certified cosmonaut who lacks enough money to actually make it into space (Bass ), the unnecessary use of the whistle register (Carey) and an unending catalogue of songs about getting drunk, fighting and having sex (Nickelback).  But, rather than hate on these “artists,” I will instead embrace their mediocrity and let their words guide this week’s edition of Mad Adam’s shit list.  So, without further ado, away we go….

“Bye, Bye, Bye….“

N’ Sync’s most popular song is dedicated to my fantasy football season.  Another year of regular season success followed by playoff misery.  In this year’s edition of “why the fuck do I keep doing this to myself?” my team scored the most points of all teams in the league during the regular season. Then, magically the playoffs begin and the fantasy football gods conspired to fuck me again.

Hines Ward pulls a hammy.

Percy Harvin’s migraines won’t go away.

And, the rest of my team decides to take a collective dump for the week. Awesome.

In what has become an annual tradition, I hereby retire from fantasy football…..GOD DAMMIT, FUCKING HEY!  I HATE FANTASY FOOTBALL SO FUCKIGN MUCH.  FUCK MY TEAM.  BUNCH OF ASSHOLE, FUCKSTICK, OVERPAID PILL-POPPING DICKHEAD MOTHER-FUCKERS.  Crap.

“You know the party’s here, sing a-long and have no fear, ‘N SYNC is here to make you people scream“

This shout out goes to Roy Williams.  Not the pass-dropping cry baby wide receiver in Dallas.  No, I am talking about the emotions-on-his-sleeve guy wearing Carolina blue while patrolling the sidelines at the Dean Dome.  You see, while ‘N Sync’s lyrics to “Here we Go” actively exhorted the crowd to get involved with no fear of retribution, the same cannot be said of good ‘ole Roy.

On Saturday, December 12^th the defending national champs squared off against the mighty Presbyterian College Blue Hose.  Seriously.  I am not making this up.  Their mascot is the “Blue Hose.”

During the second half of a real nail-biter (Carolina won the game by the count of 103-64), a fan clad in a Presbyterian Blue Hose shirt (they really sell merchandise…seriously?) had the unmitigated gall to use the seat he had purchased as a platform for tomfoolery, shenanigans and outright silliness. What did he do you ask?

Prepare yourself sports fan.  For what you are about to read might dent even the most impervious skin of my readers.  The Blue Hose fan stood up while Tar Heel Deon Thompson was shooting a foul shot and shouted (ear-muffs young ones) ……..”Deon, you’re gonna miss it!”

This outrageous display of poor sportsmanship so rankled Roy Williams, that he was able to pry himself away from coaching this close game long enough to point out the “offending” fan to security, who then bowed to Lord Williams’ wishes and escorted the Blue Hoser out of the hallowed halls of the Dean Dome.  Don’t believe me?  Check out the video proof here.

When asked about it after the game Williams responded, “I don’t think anybody should yell anything negative at our players. Period. Let’s don’t make it a bigger thing than it is. But I just don’t think anybody should yell negative things toward our players (when) you come in on our tickets to watch our game.”

I don’t care one way or the other about Tar Heel basketball.  But let me assure you of one thing.  Should I ever find myself on Tobacco Road when Roy Williams’ team is playing, I will don the opposing team’s colors, buy a scalped ticket and enter the Dean Dome and unleash such a tirade of foul-mouthed anti-Tar Heel epithets, slogans and other words of fury that Roy will have to call out the National Guard to stop me. What an egotistical prick.

“Hang out in the coolest bars, in the VIP with the movie stars, every good gold digger’s gonna wind up there.“

Nickelback’s homage to the “Rockstar” lifestyle sounds like a soundtrack to the litany of “ladies” coming out of the woodwork each day claiming to have been another of Tiger’s conquests.  Look, enough has been said about Tiger, so let’s leave him be……Oh, who am I kidding?

Have you seen some of these skanks?  I mean we are talking about TIGER FREAKING WOODS for goodness sakes.  Can’t he do better?  Some of Tiger’s alleged mistresses are traditional hotties, but check out this bow-wow line-up of some of the others:

“I can’t wait to hate you, make you pain like I do, still can’t shake you off.“

Who knew Mariah could be so angry (and grammar challenged)?  Her song “Hate You” was probably playing on the iPods of the Cincinnati Bearcats fans who recently egged departing coach Brian Kelly’s house.  Seriously?  Egging his house?  C’mon Cincy, you are better than that.  At least go old school TP instead of eggs.  Amateurs.

News flash to Bearcats fans everywhere.  Despite its numerous problems, Notre Dame is an INFINITELY better job than coaching the Bearcats.  And, a special note to those who egged Coach Kelly’s home.  You might just be sending the wrong message to a potential up and coming coach thinking about coming to your town to coach your team.  Maybe a little hospitality on the way out might induce others to think more kindly about coming in.  Just a thought you numbskulls.

“I didn’t know nothing, I was stupid, I was foolish… I was lying to myself.”

Mariah’s lyrics to “We Belong Together” do more than describe her educational background, they are the perfect segue to the December 11^th arrest of Atlanta Falcon defensive tackle Jonathan Babineaux.  Mr. Babineaux was arrested on Interstate 85 a week ago and charged with possession of 1 1/2 ounces of marijuana.  But wait, there’s more!

According to a police spokesman Babineaux was pulled over with another man in Babineaux’s 2005 Cadillac Escalade (man, not a good month for Escalades).  The vehicle had an expired tag, no tag light and the tint on the window was heavier than allowed by state law.  Oh, and the car reeked of pot smoke and three bags of weed were laying out in the open for all the world to see. Not enough for you? Babineaux also was driving without a driver’s license.

So, let me get this straight.  A highly paid NFL player (allegedly) got high and went out for a drive with his buddy with no license, an expired tag (to his credit this infraction was partially obscured by his lack of a tag light) and a bunch of exposed drugs, well, at least exposed after he rolled down his illegally tinted windows.  What a moron.

Not that he has set a high bar for himself.  Remember that in November 2007 he was cleared of a felony charge of animal cruelty after his girlfriend reported the death of their 1 1/2 year old pit bull “Kilo” (didn’t see any drug problems in his future there did we?) after she and Babineaux argued at their home.  With this kind of stupidity in the world is it any wonder how Mariah got popular?

That’s all for now sports and music fans.  Until next we meet, try and get some better taste.  Reading my articles is a start, but also work on getting rid of useless boy bands, screeching divas and drug-addled tool-bags from your musical queue.