Ed Honcho

So I’m taking a break from the activities of my exquisite (and yes, ongoing) Thanksgiving holiday, dear readers, so that the over-achievers of sport for the weekend can receive the only reward they could possibly want… a Honcho Award. And also, because I know how you need me. I know how Mondays aren’t the same without me. I know how, without the Honcho Awards to reference, you’re lost at the water cooler. Don’t worry, I understand, and I’m here for you. So fear not, loyal reader. Whether scuba-spelunking in the underwater caves of the Yucatan, or dining with the Patagons on the shores of Lago Lacor, or observing the northern lights from an ice hotel in Lapland, I’m always thinking of you.

So this week’s Honchos go to:

- Nikolay Davydenko, for beating Roger Federer in the semifinals then crushing 2009 US Open winner Juan Martin del Potro in the championship of the ATP World Tour Finals. We’d say it was a good weekend for Davydenko… yes, yes, the two victories are nice. But more importantly, he scored himself a Honcho.

- Toby Gerhart, for his demolition of Notre Dame… though, we’ll admit, that’s not saying much these days. Consider it an award for sustained excellence against quality teams, then. It seems like college football ought to have an award for this sort of thing… season-long dominance. Hmmm… oh well, if there is one, its’ name escapes me. No matter, even were they to instigate one, it would always pale in comparison to this, his first Honcho.

- Stefan Kiessling, for his hat trick against VFB Stuttgart to launch Bayer Leverkusen back to the top of the Bundesliga. That’s right, I said Bayer Leverkusen, or, Neverkusen, as they’re hilariously known. Please, Stefan, don’t help ruin that nickname for us. You’ll never be forgiven! Of course, the thought here is that the Honcho will cause him to rest on his laurels, fat with accomplishment, and a second half slide will surely follow.

- Sidney Crosby, for his hat trick on hat night against the New York Rangers. You’ll never guess what everyone did with their free hats.

- Brittney Griner, for her near triple-double in the championship game of the World Vision Classic. That’s 26 points, 12 rebounds, and 8 blocks. Now, I’m as impressed by a triple-double as much as the next guy (who, in this case, just happens to be Marv Albert, bogarting the aisle seat like you’d figure he would), but typically, it’s points, rebounds and assists. To almost get there with blocks? Astounding. Sure, she’s 6′8″, but she’s a true freshman. I have a feeling we’ll be sending a lot of solid gold houses Ms. Griner’s way.

- Vince Young, for his stirring comeback against the Arizona Cardinals (oh, and the 387 yards he accumulated through the air). Those of us that marveled at his college exploits were wondering if he would ever approach those lofty heights as a pro. Well, he’s got his first Honcho. Tom Brady doesn’t even have one of those. You’re well on your way, Vince. You’re well on your way.

- Ventura, for the heart-warming finish to her career. Not much pulls on the heartstrings of Ed Honcho. Sandra Bullock movies, Kay Jewelers advertisements, the music of Captain & Tennille, 2/3 of the stories in Reader’s Digest, rainy days, animals with limps, my grandmother’s old throw pillow and cheating death. That’s it. That’s the list. Or so I thought. Then I read this story, and found myself going all weepy. Kudos, Ventura. Kudos.

- Gerald Wallace, for his overall performance through the weekend, but especially for the way he took it to Lebron James in a 94-87 Charlotte victory over the Cavs. Sure, he was basically being told what to do by Michael Jordan, but hey, listening to it and doing it are two different things. Wallace did it, attacking James like almost no one ever has, and for that…. BOOM! Honcho.

- Colt McCoy, for his Honcho-winning performance against rivals Texas A&M. Let’s face it, these rivalry games can go any way, especially on the road. And A&M’s offense was clearly up to the challenge. The problem for them, of course, was so was McCoy. The man tallied 5 touchdowns (4 through the air, one on the ground), passed for 304 yards (with 0 interceptions), and ran for another 175. That, my friends, is ridiculous. And certainly worthy of a Honcho.

- The fire hydrant outside Tiger’s house, for allowing the world in on this historically juicy story. Let’s face it, were it not for the placement and rigidity of the fire hydrant, we wouldn’t have this story waiting to unfold before our very eyes (or the speculation that’s dominating everyone’s conversations, right now). So kudos, fire hydrant, on standing your ground. You might be the last inanimate object to receive a Honcho, and you’re certainly the first, but what matters is your contribution to the world, and for that you deserve this award.

And that’ll have to do it, dear readers. The captain has suggested that it’s time to put away the electronic devices, etc… as we touch down here in Bora Bora, and I’m really left with only one question….

What the hell is Marv Albert doing on this plane?