Every Wednesday, from today until the end of time, my close friend and bitter foe Mad Adam is going to stop by and attempt to clarify his delusions of grandeur, dominance, and defeatism. He’s very complex. And, as you’ll soon find out, most of what he has to say comes out of his ass, but man, is he angry! And I’m not talking the kind of angry that can be aptly expressed with all caps and exclamation marks, or even simple declarations of anger… you’ll have to use your imagination a little. Picture the bright red face. Picture the popping veins. Picture the holes in the wall, the shattered remotes, the hospitalized “friends”. Now, multiply it by 386. That gets you halfway there. But here, we’ll let him explain it…
Hello everyone. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mad Adam. That’s right, not Mad Hatter (Les Miles), Mad Max (Mel Gibson) or Mad Men (those booze swilling cats at Sterling Cooper). No, just Mad Adam.
Why Mad Adam? First, I have an anger control problem. This is particularly true when it comes to my sports teams. I get mad when they let me down. I get mad when they get screwed over. I sometimes get mad even when things are going well. What can I say….I’m Mad Adam. As a bonus, my name is a palindrome. Don’t know that is? Look it up loser. And while you are at it, send some hate mail to your language teachers who obviously let you down.
Now that I have revealed that much of my anger is centered on my favorite teams, I better let you in on who those teams are. Warning, I grew up as a military brat, so I never stayed in a place long enough to pick a team based on geography. So, I have a pretty disparate set of favorite teams (with the exception of my college team which is clearly a result of the totally awesome education I received at the undergraduate and law schools of the institution listed below). So, in no particular order, here are the teams that matter most to me: New York Jets (last Super Bowl….1969, the roots of my anger begin to surface); Los Angeles Dodgers; Los Angeles Lakers; Manchester City Citizens (EPL soccer you morons); and of course, my beloved OU Sooners. Looking for a hockey team? Go (ice) fish. Not a fun game to watch on TV.
My proclivity for temper tantrums does not end with my favorite teams. I also get mad about betting on sports (i.e. placing bad bets, not the act of betting on sports which I am very much in favor of), bad calls, terrible commentators, incomprehensible TV twists, bad uniforms, those who don’t appreciate good music, politics, stupid fans, silly traditions, inane rules….you get the idea. I am Mad Adam.
The gracious, yet logic deficient Ed Honcho, has asked that I occasionally drop by this site and let all of you know what I am currently mad about. I appreciate the forum and the opportunity to vent. I would be remiss if I did not kick things off with a mailbag devoted to my legions of fans and their questions. So, without further ado, away we go…..
Q: Did you see the Patriots throw a deep pass with only 30 seconds to go this past weekend when they were up 31 – 14 on the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets? How did that make you feel? Cuz, I will tell you how it made me feel. It made me feel like punching Tom Brady in his pretty face and defecating on Bill Belichik’s car.
- Francis Anastasio, Elizabeth, New Jersey
A: Francis, or can I call you Frank? No? OK. Francis, you could not be more right (except the part about shitting on his car, which is a tad bit weird). Not since Michael Bay decided to have “ghetto” robots in the newest Transformers movie have I seen such a brash and uncalled for decision.
What is he hoping to accomplish? By kicking the Jets when they are down, does he hope to draw attention away from the most colossal coaching mistake in his career from the week prior against the Colts? By allowing a long pass to Randy Moss did he hope to show that Moss does in fact own Darrelle Revis? (if so, too bad, because Moss turned in a pedestrian 5 catches for 34 yards against my boy Revis).
Or is this just one more bully move by a guy that thinks he is God, but is in fact still the same a-hole that could not turn around the Browns and WHO WALKED OUT ON THE JETS IN 1999 A DAY AFTER TAKING THE HEAD COACHING JOB? What a loser. I HATE that guy. And, I really hate those spy-gate cheating, pretty boy Pats(ies).
Q: How are you feeling about the Lakers so far?
- Bonita Benson, Culver City, California
A: In a word….AWESOME. So far, Khlomar has not been a distraction. The return of Gasol has transformed the team. Ron Artest is playing within the system and has not punched Nicholson in the face on his way down the court yet. And Kobe? Well, he is busy doing work.
Since the Lakers’ Western Conference coronation is all but assured, let’s turn to the more important issue. Will those turd burgers from Boston make an appearance and get the whupping they deserved two years ago? As of this writing they are 10-4, and look pretty good (for a team in puke green adorned with a picture of a leprechaun sporting a vest, hat and bow-tie covered in freaking shamrocks). I don’t want another beat-down on Orlando. I want Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and “look at me I am yelling a lot, I must be really intense” Kevin Garnett to face the music like they did in 1985 and 1987 when Magic and crew beat Bird and his brigade of losers (like Kevin “the Armpits” McHale and Robert “Reefer” Parrish). SCREW THE CELTICS!
Q: When are you going to talk about the Sooners? Texas Tech destroyed Stoops and company and the crowd turned the House of Pain “Jump Around” into an anti-Sooner anthem. And, don’t forget Capel’s b-ball team that got rocked by the VCU Rams, his former team. Seriously, did you jump off a cliff this weekend?
- Rusty Jackson, Texhoma, Texas
A: I am typing out this response from the rather large ravine that I did indeed toss myself into after the collective DUMP THAT OU TOOK ON ME THIS WEEKEND. This is the kind of showing that makes you want to give up sports.
That raises the issue. Is it possible to really give up on your favorite team? I say no. The first time I ever tried to do it was when I was 8 years old and the Dodgers were on a serious losing streak. I declared that I was no longer a fan of Dodger blue and tried to become a Cincinnati Reds fan. However, each morning when I would look through the box scores in the local paper I found my gaze straying from the Reds to find out what the Dodgers had done the night before. The reason? If you are a true fan, you can NEVER give up on your team. Even when they TEAR OUT YOUR HEART, LIKE OU DID TO ME THIS WEEKEND.
Did I kinda avoid answering your questions Rusty? You bet. Stay tuned, though, because if those goat loving, tobacco chewing troglodytes from Stillwater win Bedlam this weekend, then I may have to dedicate an entire column to how FREAKING BAD THIS OU FOOTBALL SEASON HAS REALLY BEEN.
Q: So, how about Les Miles and his clock management skills?
- Earl Papadeaux, Natchez, Louisiana
A: Oh, how I detest Les Miles. What an overrated, egotistical, arrogant insipid little man crowned with an ill-fitting hat. How many times must he do something like this before Tiger Nation rises up and says enough is enough. The LSU school newspaper, “The Daily Reveille” is calling for the firing of offensive coordinator Gary Crowton over this debacle.
First, “The Daily Reveille,” really? I had to look up “reveille” to even know what the students there are referencing. It is a bugle call associated with the military. So, the newspaper is a daily bugle call. Whatever.
Second, firing the offensive coordinator is completely missing the point. Did anyone see Les Miles’ patented “deer in headlights” look as the precious seconds ticked away in the game against Ole Miss? He was befuddled, bamboozled and flummoxed all at the same time. This man could not coach his way out of a paper bag when decisions that are tougher than what to eat after the game are on the line. Speaking of food…
Q: Don’t you think that Mark Mangino is just mean, mean, mean!
- Dolores Bitterbottom, Mulberry, Kansas
A: Look, I have had my share of crude talking insensitive coaches. Heck, it is really part of the job description as far as I can tell. Reminds me of a funny story. Ed Honcho and I used to have a baseball coach that referred to him as “Colonel Sanders” because he was too “chicken” to get down on the ball when fielding grounders in practice. That was funny. What Mangino (allegedly) has been doing? Not cool.
When a college student confides in a coach about his alcoholic father, that should remain between him and the coach. Same thing with a player that tells coach about his brother getting shot in the neighborhood he grew up in . To use that information against the players is the sign of a man that has lost touch with reality. He is not breaking players down and then building them up. He is just breaking them.
While we are on the subject, I am wondering if any Jayhawk ever gave it back to the coach? In case they have not, and current Jayhawks are looking for some ideas, here is my humble proposal for a dialogue with Mangino:
Mangino – “Hey, stop loafing WR! You keep that up and you will wind up on welfare and turning tricks in an alley for crack cocaine like that story about your mom you shared with me in a closed door meeting the other day.”
WR – “Hey Coach. Here’s a thought. Maybe you should drop your daily caloric intake by, I don’t know, maybe 40,000 calories. Seriously, do you really need that entire rack of ribs to go with your 22 ounce steak, double cheese-burger and fried okra covered in brown gravy? I’m just looking out for you. Well, I am also looking out for the players that keep getting hit by one of your 17 chins when you move suddenly on the sideline.”
Q: How about Jimmy Clausen getting cold-cocked by an angry Irish fan at local bar?
- Gaye Barr, Elkhart, Indiana
A: This had to be the first time anything associated with the Irish was on target this whole season. My only question is why not track down and punch Charlie Weis? The guy is pushing 3 bills and his knees are shot. There is no way he could get away quickly enough to avoid a total pummeling. (please note that Mad Adam, while prone to fits of anger, does not condone nor promote violence against athletes and/or coaches….you know, unless they really deserve it).
Q: As an unabashed fan of front-running, big money teams like the Lakers and Sooners, is it any surprise that you’ve recently declared yourself a Manchester City fan? And even though you’ll do your best to spin the answer, it’s mostly rhetorical, as the indisputable answer is “no.”
- Ed Honcho, Sunbathing on the French Riviera
A: Nice try Ed. You are clearly trying to bait me into a fit of rage. However, unlike Tila Tequila, I am not that easy. You see, what you are failing to tell our readers is that it is “undisputable” that I became a fan of the Blues prior to September 2008 when Man City was purchased by the Abu Dhabi United Group, making it the wealthiest club in the world.
Which means that I became a fan of Man City, a team that has not won silverware since 1976, before this fortuitous twist transformed them into the Champions League chasing team they are today. So, SUCK IT ED. Seriously.
Q: Is it true that you’ve been in the same fantasy football league for almost 20 years and never won?
- Bjorn Bjornssen, Hammerfest, Norway
A: Bjorn, now I am starting to get pissed. Your “source” is mistaken. Allow me to provide you a history lesson. Yes, I have been in the same fantasy football league since 1988. In fact, Ed Honcho, myself and friends may have indeed invented fantasy football.
No, it is NOT true that I have failed to ever be crowned champion. My team has a long and storied history. I consistently make the playoffs, and I have been in not one, not two, but THREE championship games. Several years ago Ed Honcho and I squared off in the championship game. The game ended in a tie according to an on-line fantasy sports site that will not be named. Incredibly, after nearly two decades of fantasy sports our collective group had never devised a tie-breaker scenario. So, we declared a tie and the championship was split between Mad Adam and Ed Honcho.
Now things get interesting. Approximately 6 months later, one of our friends and fellow fantasy owner, we will call him “ass-wipe,” decided to peruse the web-site because he had nothing better to do. He was surprised to see that the CRAPPY, STUPID AND PROFESSIONALLY NEGLIGENT web-site that shall not be named had changed the score for Jeff Garcia (my starting QB at the time) by one measly STUPID point. Ass-wipe decides to share this information with the league. The result? Years of bickering and a COMPLETELY FALSE AND WHOLLY UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIM of an undisputed and sole championship by Ed.
Many of you may ask, and rightly so, how in the world can you change the score of a fantasy sports championship MONTHS after the fact? Isn’t that like tuning in for the Super Bowl and watching the Pats lose to the Giants, only to find out the following summer that the NFL had changed its mind and declared that the David Tyree “helmet catch” was an incompletion and the Pats actually won? Good point. And Bjorn, you no fantasy knowledge having dude from Hammerfest, did you stop to ask what would have happened if we applied the tie-breaking rules we have today? No? Well, let me tell you what would have happened. I WOULD HAVE WON. And, what would have happened if we played the next week (since we tabulated the points just to see)?….wait for it….that’s right….. I WOULD HAVE WON.
Dammit. Now my blood pressure is though the roof. Bjorn, I am sure you can see from the foregoing synopsis that in fact I DID WIN A FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP. And, if you don’t agree with me then you CAN JUST ENJOY YOUR CITY WHICH REEKS OF REINDEER MANURE. That’s right, I said it.
Q: Why so angry? Childhood trauma? Life stacked against you? What?
- Adolfo Ocampo, Ushuaia, Argentina
A: As I am sure you can see from the questions posed by some ingrates above, as well as the other stupid topics that got me riled up, there are plenty of reasons I am angry. SO, STICK YOUR POP PSYCHOLOGY UP YOUR ASS ADOLFO. I will be sure to call if I ever need your attention. Don’t hold your breath in the meantime.
Thank you loyal readers. Until next time, keep watching sports and DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!
