Oooh, just look at that queue! Such vitriol and rage. I see you’ve all successfully channeled your inner Bobby Knight… kudos! Let’s see how this plays out.
Q: I’m guessing you wouldn’t know the difference between a foil, epee and sabre were they laid in front of you. And yet you find it somehow appropriate that you judge the very nature of the sport of fencing from behind your keyboard. I guess my question would be, where do you get the nerve?
- Armando Valverde, Somerton, Arizona
A: The nerve comes very natural to me, Armando, like my way with words and stuff, and my lilac scent. I didn’t “get” it from anywhere… I’ve always had it (though I hear they now sell it at Wal-Mart for a very decent price). To assume that I wouldn’t deconstruct a game I may or may not know… well, that’s on you.
Besides, I would, in fact, know the difference between a foil, epee and sabre. Now, whether or not that’s thanks to a quick google search I’m not saying one way or another. But I could at least feign a certain level of knowledge when it comes to your game. Again, that’s game.
Q: Fat sailors sink boats.
- Uli Schulte, Wilhelmshaven, Lower Saxony, Germany
A: Like sarcastic Germans without questions ruin mailbags. Burn.
Q: Table Tennis not a sport?!?! Seriously? Are you sure you’re not thinking of table football? What gives?
- Nils Torstensson, Ystad, Sweden
A: Now that’s a question… well, a series of questions, which I will respond to in reverse order.
You ask “what gives?” Santa Clause, Mother Theresa, the Red Cross and this page (The Art of the Plug, coming soon, watch this space). As it pertains to my decision, I believe I explained myself quite skillfully in my original column. As a Swede, you’re surely aware of Jan-Ove Waldner’s performance at the 2004 Olympics, when he reached the semifinals at almost 40. Are you saying with 20 years and 50 pounds, he couldn’t perform at least moderately well? Well are you?
You ask “are you sure you’re not thinking of table football?” Yes, I’m sure.
You ask “seriously?” Yes, seriously.
You ask “Table Tennis not a sport?” Yes… wait… no… well, yes, table tennis is not a sport. No, it’s not a sport. So yes and no. Clear?
Q: You heard Carson Palmer’s offseason comments, right? That someone was going to die during a game? Do you agree?
- Felix Manlove, Tooele, Utah
A: Yes, but only in a Last Boy Scout style shootout on the field. Would you really put it past some of today’s players? Speaking of that Oscar-worthy scene, does anyone remember what actor played that character? That’s right, it was Billy Blanks of Tae-Bo fame. Just thought everyone should know…
Q: Is my career over?
- Allen Iverson, Hampton, Virginia
A: Hey, check it out everyone! Allen Iverson wrote in to my mailbag! Mark this moment down! This is the exact moment Ed Honcho hit the big time! Allen Iverson! I can’t believe it!
Q: So Greco-Roman wrestling is a game, huh? Since clearly you have no knowledge of the game, I’d like to challenge you to a match… teach you a thing or two. You up for it?
- Jake Deitchler, Ramsey, Minnesota
A: You’re on, Deitchler! I’m gonna wipe the floor… what’s that? Hold on a minute… Oh, right. You’re lucky Deitchler. My manager’s just reminded me that I have this thing that… I have to go to. And I am already in my suit. You’re lucky, buddy!
Q: I can wait.
- Jake Deitchler, Ramsey, Minnesota
A: Oh.. well, uh… after that, I’ve got this other thing I’ve got to go to. You know… life of a celebrity. And then, you know… I’m very busy, just as a general statement of fact. I don’t really know when I could squeeze in… a, uh, match. Which is lucky for you! But again, uh, sorry to disappoint. Gotta go, yo.
